Happiness By The Kilowatt
by Elladan Seregon
Summary: [AU] [LRaito] This time, the gun's loaded. The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.
1. The Downward Spiral

_**Note:**_ Everything except the very end has been taken directly from the manga, with a little from the anime.

-----

"I missed you so much, Raito-kun!" Misa leaned towards him as best as she could without propping herself up; her hands were handcuffed behind her back, as were Raito's.

"Misa." he muttered, leaning away from her teary, sparkly eyes just a little bit. The car they were in began to pick up speed. They turned to the driver.

"What's going on, Dad?" Raito asked, face set with worry.

"HUH?! DAD?!" Misa interjected, blushing slightly in embarrassment. "Oh no, Raito. I called your father a stalker..." She said in a tone that suggested she was a five-year-old who was confessing to have committed some horrible deed.

"Are we finally being cleared and released...?" But if they were to be freed, wouldn't Aizawa or his father already have removed their handcuffs? So if that wasn't it, were they being moved somewhere else for another confinement?

"No..." _Damn._ "Right now you two are..." Only slightly pained hesitation showed in his voice. "being taken to your execution. An underground facility has been set up and your executions will be carried out in secret. I volunteered to take you there..."

"Execution? What are you talking about Dad?!" His doeish eyes were wide with horror. Would his own father... Would he really...?

Next to him, Misa gasped, "What?! You're joking, right?! Dad... _Ha ha_..." She gave a pathetic little laugh that seemed to indicate that this was the worst joke she had ever heard.

Raito tensed, but tried to listen over the sound of the car--which was accelerating again--as his father said, "L has concluded that Raito Yagami is Kira and Misa Amane is the second Kira. He's declared that once you two are executed, the Kira killings will end."

Raito was silent for a few seconds, absorbing this. Then, "I thought the killings had already stopped..."

"No, they continue."

"They do?" That's not what I was told..."

"L was probably keeping it from you to procure a confession. That's of no importance to you now." What!? Of no importance? Of course that was important! If the Kira killings had started again, even while both he and Misa were in confinement, under tight surveillance, and receiving no news of the outside world, then shouldn't that be proof enough that they weren't either of the Quires? And what about a trial or something at the least...?

"L has promised that your deaths will stop the killings, and the police and government have agreed to his proposal. Kira will be eradicated in secret..."

"No way! Wait, Dad! I'm not Kira!!" Raito shouted, getting desperate.

Taking his outburst as some sort of signal, Misa also said, "Yeah, what are you thinking? He's your own son!"

With a sort of dooming finality, Souichirou said, "It's not my choice. It was L's. L controls the police. He's solved numerous cases and has never been wrong."

Flailing mentally for some argument, for something, Raito said, "Dad! You believe L over me?!"

"L is even saying that if this doesn't stop the killing, he will take responsibility and end his own life."

Raito positively gaped at him, eyebrows knitting together. "L... What is he thinking..." If Raito died and the killing didn't stop then L would end his own life...? But the killing _wouldn't_ stop, and with L gone, there would be absolutely no hope of catching Kira. Why wasn't anyone questioning this?

"I understand that from the facts we have, this may seem like a reasonable assumption but... This is a mistake! L is making a mistake... Why would he come to a conclusion like this...?" No response from his dad. "Something's wrong here... This isn't like L at all... L has always solved his cases with hard evidence. Why would he let this one end like this?"

Abruptly, Raito's father jerked the wheel of the car, and both Misa and Raito, unable to stop themselves with their handcuffed hands, were dumped sideways onto the seat or--in Raito's case--slammed brutally into the window. The wheels of the car kicked up dust as it went down a small, barren hill. It jerked it's way over bumps and rocks, before screeching to a stop under an overpass.

"We're here."

"Where is this? Why did you bring us out to the middle of nowhere?" Raito asked, looking out of the window at the dead grass, litter, and setting sun, which seemed to paint the world in brilliant blood red hues.

"Oh! Are you letting us escape?!" Misa asked hopefully, leaning towards Souichirou. Raito's thoughts were just a bit more morbid. Was the place where they would be executed here somewhere?

"Yes... Nobody will see us out there..." Souichirou said, as if to himself. "I've brought you here instead of the execution ground... Raito..." Raito turned from looking out at the lowering sun, giving his father a questioning look. He noticed that, for the first time since they had been picked up, his father was actually looking at him.

"I'm going to kill you here and then kill myself."

He felt his chest constrict as he sat up straighter, tense. "What are you saying, Dad?!" Terror. For the first time he could remember, he felt true terror. "Y... You can't be serious...!!" His heart had sped up, and the blood was pounding loudly in his ears, but, oh gods, it didn't feel like he was breathing at all!

"Stop it! You're crazy!" Misa said, tears gathering in the corner of her eyes again. "Your child is Kira, so you'll kill him and kill yourself?! If you want to die, then die by yourself! Can't you even see that if you do that you'll be no different from Kira?!" She had spoken with real passion, but Raito's father seemed indifferent to it.

"No... I'm different than Kira..." He turned further towards them, and with real conviction in his words, his face, his eyes, said, "I have the responsibility of being his father and the police chief."

"AHHH!!! You're insane!!" Misa shrieked, the tears pouring down her cheeks now.

"Dad! Misa's right! If we die here, we'll never uncover the truth! We should run away! The truth might come out. No, I'll find the truth while running!" The constricted feeling in his chest tightened painfully while he said this--despite that he was clearly drawing air, he was panting and sweating and out of breath.

"It's too late, Raito..." Souichirou reached into his coat. "It's already been decided by those above me. You're dying either way. This way at least it'll be by my hand..." He pulled the gun fully from his coat.

Raito did his best to keep blinding panic from gripping him, finding himself again flailing in his thoughts for some sort of lifeline.

"Stop, Dad!" Raito yelled, voice shaking. "I swear I'm not Kira! If we die here, we'll fall right into Kira's trap! Don't you see that?!" What trap? He was just pulling stuff out his ass, trying to make his father see some amount of reason.

"Amane... Raito and I will die here, but I have no reason to kill you. The police will find this car soon. You'll be executed at the planned site..."

Sweating hard, still searching for some saving point, a temporary raft even, Raito said, "L-listen Dad! If we were Kira and the second Kira, then there's no way we'd let you kill us!" The gun was in his face now, and he was staring down the barrel. _Oh gods, please let this work! Please!_ he thought desperately, addressing whatever higher beings might exist. "There are no witnesses here, if we were the Kiras, then..."

"Shut up." his father said, cocking the gun.

"Dad!!"

"Raito, we're both murderers. We'll see each other again in hell."

"NOOOO!!!" Misa screamed.

_**BANG**_

Blood sprayed the back seat and splashed across Misa's face. In the middle of Raito's forehead was a rather large hole, singed around the edges with blood leaking out, but the back of his head had been close to destroyed. Chunks of gray brain matter stuck against the back windshield, slipping sluggishly down to rest on the back of the seat. Raito himself slumped back into the cushions, the side of his head thunking dully against the window.

"R-Raito!!!" Misa screeched. From the speaker hidden above the rearview mirror, several gasps sounded.

Smoke rose mockingly from the gun.

-----

You have no idea how much I hope no one else has started in on this idea. I have had this idea since I first read that chapter back almost two years ago.

So, should I continue? I have some idea on how it would go on from there, but nothing definitive.


	2. Hurt Myself Today to See if I Stll Feel

_**Note:**_ Thank you for the kind reviews! I finally understand what other authors mean when they say reviews really drive the story!

-----

After that everything--from his carefully constructed plans down to the cup of tea he had been sipping thoughtfully as he had observed every action with a calculatory gaze--had descended into chaos. The brittle china hit the floor as his mind registered _exactly_ what had just happened, and behind him, Aizawa and Matsuda gasped loudly. Forcing itself past his own lips was a gasp as well, but before he could panic (and he felt he _would_ panic if he didn't do something), he was up on his feet, rushing past the men still staring at the screen, and out the door.

Watari, having been watching everything from the video feed, understood Ryuuzaki's actions completely. He already had the car started when the detective appeared outside of the hotel, running, shoeless.

"T-the overpass!!" he was muttering. Even though he didn't specify out of the hundreds in Japan, the old man understood exactly what he meant. "Please hurry, Watari!" This was a needless command used only to reassure himself. Ryuuzaki knew that Watari would waste no time in getting there.

During the car ride, theories and calculations ran through his mind. Had Souichirou purposefully shot his own son? But no, that made no sense. The man was solid in his conviction that his son wasn't Kira, and truly loved his son. He would never have considered doing that. But why had there been a bullet in the gun...? Was it a mess-up on Watari's part? He had asked Watari to prepare a suitable gun for the occasion, also instructing that it was only to be shooting blanks. Watari wouldn't mess up like that, though. What _happened_...?

Within ten minutes they were roaring around the bend, down the gravely hill, and coming to a halt much like Souichirou Yagami had done minutes before.

_Has it really been only about fifteen minutes in all?_ Ryuuzaki asked himself. Of course yes, but time seemed to have slowed. The ten minute car ride alone had been torture enough.

Even before the black limo-like car had really stopped, Ryuuzaki was out the door, not even bothering with such a frivolity as closing it.

"Raito!" he said, skirting the car. He assessed Souichirou, who was sitting in the dirt while leaning against the driver's side door. The older man stared into space, legs splayed out, in shock. Ryuuzaki gestured for Watari to take care of him.

Meanwhile, Misa was leaning against the back of the white car, sobbing uncontrollably with her head hidden in her arms. A pool of vomit could be seen nearby.

As soon as Misa looked up to see the newcomers, she rushed him, and Ryuuzaki was startled to find himself with an armful of crying girl.

"Huh-Hideki-san!" she huffed between sobs. "Raito i-is... He's...!!!" Her sobs escalated into wails, and despite his annoyance that she was delaying him, he guided the girl kindly to the black car, seating her in the spacious back seat. As soon as she looked settled, Ryuuzaki turned to go back to the white car. However, a pulling on his shirt halted him.

"Hideki-san..." she mumbled lowly, having stopped crying long enough to speak a little more clearly. She was looking at him sadly with her dark aqua eyes. Again, he quailed his desire to push her away. "W-why did... Yagami-san... Yagami-san suh-_shot _R-R-Ruh..." Misa leaned into his shirt and continued sobbing.

Ryuuzaki could do nothing to prevent the stab of guilt that was like a rail spike which pounded into his heart.

"Misa-san, please, I must go to..." Ryuuzaki trailed off, unsure. What could he _possibly_ do? For perhaps the second time in his life, he was at a loss. It was too late to do anything. Raito was dead, and would remain dead whether he went to investigate the body, or stood here, holding a sobbing girl who was hanging half in and half out of a car. In a way, though, it was like some morbid fascination. Despite that he had seen everything quite clearly through the video feed, he needed to see it in person. He had to see for himself the result of what had happened.

Finally, before he had to resort to just pushing her off and rushing away, Misa released him, and instead collapsed onto the seat next to her, still crying. He left the door open in case she decided she needed to vomit again.

Once again he turned to the other car, where Watari had finally coaxed Souichirou into a standing position. Watari helped the man by guiding him silently to the black car.

Ryuuzaki approached the white car, finding he felt some apprehension. To see his first, best friend like he would undoubtedly be...

Barely, he could make out the side of Raito's head as it pressed against the tinted window. He was almost grateful that he couldn't see the damage yet. Ah, but he would see it soon...

His left hand folded upwards, into the slot where the door handle was. Before he pulled though, he mentally prepared himself. Because, albeit the young man was under suspicion of being the world's greatest mass murderer to date, Ryuuzaki wasn't sure how he would be able to handle seeing the dead body of his first, best, and _only_ friend. To think that, in such a short time, Ryuuzaki had gained such a brilliant friend, and then, within the span of just a few short weeks, lost him. In such a brutal way and, indirectly, by his own hand. It _had_ been his plan, after all...

Pushing such despairing thoughts aside, he pulled the handle, in turn pulling the door open. He did it quickly, so that it was more of a jerk of the arm, and was totally unprepared when the body--for that's what it was now, a body, since all the life in it was gone--came tumbling sideways out of the car, hitting the ground, causing dirt to billow up like smoke. Ryuuzaki stood there, hand still on the door handle, shocked. He had forgotten that Raito hadn't exactly been buckled in before.

When the small dirt cloud faded, he could finally see the body. Half of his body--the side that had been leaning against the door--was now pressing into the dirt. The face was turned slightly upwards, and the horrorstricken look that had been on Raito's face when his father was pointing the gun at him was now frozen in place, mouth open in a silent scream that Ryuuzaki imagined he could hear. Blood--some streaks already leading down the side of the nose--dribbled slowly from the hole in his forehead, clearly visible due to the fact that the bullet had cut some of his hair away.

_Undoubtedly, _Ryuuzaki thought with morbid detachedness while he stared, _some of his hair is lodged somewhere in the head, having been carried forward by the bullet._

And, barely hidden by the hair that had cascaded back to conceal it, he could see the back of the head, blown out for the most part, strips of skin and bits of broken skull hanging in the hollow. Though he had seen plenty of crime scenes far worse that this, Ryuuzaki felt his gorge rising, stomach acid burning in the back of his throat. None of those crimes had turned out to be so _personal!_

Raito's eyes, wide with dilated pupils, seemed to stare accusingly at him. Where was his justice now? Just where the fuck was his justice!? This boy, this brilliant boy who could match even the great L's intelligence, who was kind helpful, if not seemingly manipulative at times, his _friend_, killed just because L had wanted to prove him to be _Kira_! Still his mind came back to that crucial point--friends.

And since that day was so damn full of surprises, the gods must have decided to throw another one in for the hell of it. For the first time in years, tears slipped down Ryuuzaki's--_L's_--face, and he bit his lip to hold in a sob, his gut twisting with sorrow and guilt.

Behind him, Misa's wailing sobs rent the air.

-----

Finally, I'm in my element! I didn't much like that last chapter because it involved most of that chapter of the manga. It's surprisingly hard to follow a set script when really, all you want to do is be able to run wild!


	3. Dead Boy's Poem

Note: I based Raito off of this picture (Only with lighter colored hair [but darker than his human form): http //i72 . photobucket . com/ albums /i195/ FallenPhantem /additional . jpg Delete spaces. Image from Blanc et Noir art book, images from which can be downloaded from deathnote7 . com.

-----

No pain, but, in general, he could feel nothing at all. It was dark--or were his eyes closed? He thought he might have called out, but wasn't quite sure if he actually made a sound, as he hadn't heard anything, and hadn't felt his mouth move. His senses, which always before had been razor sharp, weren't even registering anything in his awareness. What little there must be left, if he could not even divine whether he had a body to use or not. He felt--much as he could feel--that his body had been cut away from his soul, and that was all that was left. He could even imagine it. Like in most anime and manga he had ever been forced to watch with his sister, his soul would be a small ball, bluish white, with a tail trailing behind it, swimming like a fish through eternal darkness.

That was even a kind of reassuring thought. It may get boring, but it would be peaceful, and he wouldn't be held down by any earthly restraints: hunger, lust, the extreme need to take a piss.

But _damn,_ would it get boring. And of course, Raito _hated_ boredom. He struggled for feeling, waving ghost limbs like amputees sometimes do, as they imagine their limbs are still attached to their body, but there was no response that he could speak of. ...Hahah. He couldn't speak anyway. He cracked himself up. Still he made attempts to open eyes that might or might not be there, speak through imaginary lips, hear a voice, a noise, anything!

And then there _was_ a noise. It wasn't his mind playing tricks on him, because in the thick, black silence that seemed to crush without using pressure, there was nothing else to make a sound, not even himself. He couldn't pass it off as cloth shifting against cloth, or harsh breathing, or the churning of his stomach. None of that existed here, apparently.

Except the noise, that seemed to swell suddenly, and fill everything with an annoying buzzing. This odd buzzing seemed to jar something in him, a memory, and he realized what he should have seriously considered before.

_The gun was in his face now, and he was staring down the barrel._

_Well shit, _he thought._ I'm really fucking dead. _But in this place, emotions didn't seem to escalate beyond the level 'mild.' The buzzing was a mild annoyance, he only felt mild contempt toward the thought of boredom, he was only mildly panicking at the fact that he was dead.

It was more as if he had just stopped caring. He did want to know what had happened to Ryuuzaki, though. And his family. And the Kira case. How much time had passed here? Or was time an option? Did that mean time didn't exist? Or what? How long had he been dead? Couldn't be long, as he was still getting used to the whole being dead thing. How could he get out of here?

Call it mild curiosity.

The buzzing--which he had started to ignore--was swelling again, as if trying to force him to remember something else, but whatever it was, he wasn't remembering. It continued to grow louder; he attempted to block it out, focusing his thoughts elsewhere. On Misa, his sister, his father, his school, the Kira case, Ryuuzaki, anything! It became unbearable, and he wanted to press his hands to his ears, but neither where there to be commanded. As it finally seemed as if his mind or soul or whatever would explode, the buzzing yielded, quickly dissipating. A mental sigh of relief was all he could manage.

Without warning, fiery pain ripped through him like a whip, and he found he did in fact have a body, albeit one that was unresponsive to an extreme degree. Even as the pain registered in his mind, even as a scream tried to escape his throat, his naked body didn't move, his eyes didn't open. He looked for all the world like he was asleep. Ripping noises--like damp paper--registered in his mind.

With an imagined lurch of the stomach, he realized that his skin was tearing apart. For the moment, he was glad he couldn't open his eyes.

A voice that was not his own floated through the haze of pain engulfing his mind. It was familiar, in a way, but his mind was too focused on the pain to care.

"_Don't think that any human who's used the Death Note can go to Heaven or to Hell"_

_Hahah, what note? _he thought.

And then the darkness, which had so claimed his body, overtook his mind.

-----

"Tell me, Yagami Raito--do you know where you are?"

"Huh-Hell?" he muttered as he struggled to stand. The terrible pain from before was gone, as was the darkness, but his body was still incredibly numb--probably after affects of... whatever the hell it had been.

There was a wheezy chuckle from somewhere behind him, so he turned, swaying, to come face to stomach with some huge, flying, _thing_.

"wow, were you beat with the ugly stick as a child, or what?" he said, his thought process in a train wreck. He slapped a hand to his mouth immediately, staring up at the ugly, stretched face that belonged to this otherworldly being. But if anything, the thing seemed to be amused at his words, not angry to be insulted. It started to laugh. Which was odd. Because it sounded more like it was trying to vomit up a dying puppy. Raito made a face. Sick.

Finally, the monster calmed down, and said, "It's about time someone interesting came around. The last human we got here was weeks ago, and he nearly pissed himself when he saw me--not that he could. Kept trying to run away, crying and screaming his head off." The thing laughed again. Raito felt he understood exactly why the man had done that. If he had been anyone else, he would have done it too. But damn it, this thing, besides being on the butt-ugly side, was awfully familiar.

"So..." he began when it had stopped. "Where the hell am I and who are you?"

"You are in the Shinigami Realm, in my palace. I am the Shinigami King." Raito looked around. Looked like the inside of a giant rotting carcass. The walls of the tunnel like place they were in were slimy and faded red, and far above, he could make out the shapes of graying bones that looked like they might crumble any second. Farthest thing from a palace ever.

"Well, why am I here? I'm a human, like you said--the first one here in weeks--so don't I belong in wherever humans go after they die?" he asked.

"Well, ordinarily, a human who dies goes to MU, or nothingness. But you're different." The Shinigami King fell silent. These was a clicking noise in the back of its--_his_--throat. A look of reluctance passed across his reptilian face, his yellow eyes lighting up eerily as an idea evidently came to him. A shudder racked Raito's body.

" 'The human who uses this note can neither go to heaven or hell;' do you remember that?" Raito shook his head, but something in the back of his head said yes.

"What does that mean?" he asked, thinking of the voice he had heard in that previous darkness, right before he had blacked out. It had said something similar to that.

"Well, I would tell you, but..." The Shinigami King scratched it's chin, where the scaly skin was peeling away to reveal bone underneath. "But, where would be the fun in that?" The King laughed it's vomiting-up-a-puppy laugh. "Here. Maybe you'll understand, maybe you won't. You gave up Ryuuku's, so it's no surprise you have no memory." He was handed a black notebook, a pen that looked like it belonged to a goth, and a tightly rolled up scroll with a red ribbon holding it close.

"What is this stuff?" he asked, staring at it blankly, then at the King.

"That" -he pointed at the black notebook- "is your Death Note. I suggest you don't lose it. The scroll is a copy of all the rules about the Death Note. The pen, well, you can guess."

"Wait!" he said as the Shinigami King turned to leave. The hunched body stopped, but didn't turn. "Why am I Shinigami!? Shouldn't I go to that MU place?"

"Sorry, but I don't really have to answer you, now, do I? I am the Shinigami King. Listen, I don't care what you do with your time here. You can go to the Human World, or gamble like all the other lazy ass Shinigami-" his voice was filled with scorn and disgust "-but whatever you do, don't bother me much. The doors are that way." With one clawed finger, he pointed to Raito's left. Then said, "Besides, I bet you'll provide some more entertainment." With that, the Shinigami King faded into the darkness, leaving Raito alone.

"No!" he shouted. "Come back! Why am I a Shinigami!? You know, so tell me, damn it!" Only silence answered him. He huffed angrily, then turned in the direction of the doors.

The hall-like place was surprisingly long, and he had enough time to contemplate the conversation and mentally berate himself. He could have handled that better; now that it was past, though, there was nothing he could do to help it. Besides, he felt he didn't really care what anyone thought of him now. He was dead.

When he reached the doors--large, looming monoliths made of bleached skulls that seemed ill fitted to the frame around them--they opened on a large, gray, depressing, rocky wasteland, twisted, dead-looking trees dotting the ugly landscape. His stepped onto the ground reluctantly--it looked warped, hazardous--and for the first time, he realized that the only thing he was wearing were pants. Tight, black and red, bondage-like pants that appeared as if they had been melted and then reformed. Strips dangled off, and there was a kind of holster attached around his waist, with a large, grinning skull melted onto it. He placed the Death Note into the holster, and it fit perfectly. The pen he stored next to it in a similar sheath.

Looking away from his new pants, he inspected the rest of his body. His hair was darker, but still close to his hair as a human. His body, however, was a different story. It was composed of stitched strips of milk white skin, blue skin, and his human skin. A blue patch and a white patch stretched from one hip down into his pants, half-assed stitching holding them together. Curiously, he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, and looked down them. There was only skin, smooth and blue, were certain body parts should reside.

_Damn._ he though while he zipped his pants up (Now he understood what the King meant when he said the previous guy couldn't actually piss his pants). He also discovered that he had a bracelet and a ring on his right arm, and his hands ended in pointed, dark nails that looked like that of a person suffering from frostbite. He could gather noting about his face, though, because there were no reflective surfaces that he could see around the Shinigami Realm, so he just decided to be happy with the fact that at least there weren't stitches marring it.

Finally finished with his thorough inspection, he sat down, put the ribbon on the scroll around his left wrist, and began reading the rules of the Death Note.

-----

So, yay or neigh? Not like it will matter, because I'm not changing it.


	4. Happy

_**Note:: **_Updates may be slower in the future. I'm becoming busy very quickly.

-----

"Ryuuzaki, you said that the gun was loaded with blanks!" Said man flinched discreetly, wishing he could say something to calm Souichirou down. The older man was crying as he raged, and though his anger was completely justified, it was not wanted. Ryuuzaki hated the anger being directed at him. Hated the foreign twisting in his gut. Barely, he recognized the feeling as that of guilt. Experiencing it now, for the first time, under such extreme circumstances--Ryuuzaki just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

Maybe a whole would open in the ground and swallow him?

Chances of that, he calculated, were .02 percent. Earthquakes weren't uncommon in Japan.

"Are you even listening, Ryuuzaki!?" He snapped from his musings to stare blandly at the other man. "My son is dead, Ryuuzaki, and you're at fault! Did you load the gun? Did you really think Raito was Kira, and that killing him would stop the criminals from dying!?" Souichirou collapsed into a nearby ugly hotel chair.

"Ryuuzaki, what can we do?" Matsuda asked quietly from his own spot next to Aizawa on the equally ugly couch. The normally animated, cheerful man looked all out of sorts. _He probably liked Raito-kun a lot._ Ryuuzaki thought. Only Aizawa seemed to be keeping it together, but he hadn't really known Raito that well. For all of that, though, the man did looked quite dazed. He had seen someone killed before his eyes. Mogi was also there, but as he hadn't seen any of it, and he was a normally quiet man, there was no great change in his demeanor.

"Right now, there's nothing we can do, besides continuing to investigate and trying to pin down Kira." Ryuuzaki said, turning his eyes from the occupants of the room. He hunched over a table and booted up the computer on it, tapping commands out quickly on the keyboard. "Construction started on a permanent headquarters when I first met face to face with Yagami-san and the others. It should be completed in a few days. Take a look."

Momentarily distracted, the investigation team looked in awe at the picture as Ryuuzaki explained, "There are twenty-three floors above ground, two floors below. You can't see from the outside, but the roof is equipped with two helicopters. The outside looks like an ordinary high-rise building, but to enter you need to go through various security check points. All the equipment and computers inside are state of the art. The fifth to the twentieth floor all have four private rooms per floor, so I'd like all of you to live there as much as possible. And if we increase our numbers, we could accommodate about sixty people.

"As Misa-san is still under suspicion of being the second Kira, she will get her own floor. That should not only keep her-" he hesitated to use happy--he doubted she would ever recover from seeing Raito killed "-comfortable, but we'll also be able to keep an eye on her.

"Where are you getting the money for this, Ryuuzaki?" Matsuda asked.

-----

Later, everyone left for their respective abodes. Ryuuzaki perched in one of the ugly chairs, sipping tea and eating a donut. Besides the insomniac detective, only Souichirou remained.

"Ryuuzaki..." he began slowly. His breathing was quick--Ryuuzaki could tell he was nervous. "Ryuuzaki, what will I tell my wife, Sachiko? And my daughter? How can I tell them that Raito is dead?" He spoke quietly, but his voice was filled with anger and worry and pain.

"Yagami-san, please tell your family that Raito-kun and I were pursuing a suspect in the Kira case. The man had a gun, and he aimed it at me, but Raito jumped between us and took the bullet. News of the Kira case has been kept out of the papers. It would not be suspicious if an incident such as this was also withheld, and therefore, no one else would know of it. Your wife and daughter would suspects nothing."

"But they deserve to know the truth!" he said, voice escalating in volume as his outrage also grew.

"Yagami-san, if you wish to tell them the truth, I will not mind, but I'm sure that they would prefer to think that their son died valiantly, saving someone's life, then knowing that it was an accident in a situation where we were trying to procure a confession or evidence that your son was Kira, an evil mass-murderer." Ryuuzaki turned sideways to look at the older man, who seemed to have aged ten years in a single day. The gray in his hair, the slump of his shoulders, the forlorn expression--all seemed to impress the semblance of old age.

Ryuuzaki felt a bit of sympathy for him. Souichirou would undoubtedly tell his family the lie, but he would have to live with knowing the truth, and live with the guilt. Even he would think that he was somehow at fault, whether he blamed Ryuuzaki as well or not.

Silence reigned. Souichirou left.

-----

I'm sorry that this chapter is considerably shorter than all the others. Consider it a filler chapter, if you will. I wanted to deal with Souichirou's blame and grief quickly (Although there will be a funeral chapter). I did have a chapter four already written, but I scrapped it.


	5. Everybody's Fool

_**Note:**_ I'm really surprised that not many of you mentioned anything about Raito's lack of equipment in your reviews. I figured that that would be of major concern to you guys. On Livejournal, everyone had something funny to say about it!

-----

"And this-" with a ping, the elevator doors opened, allowing Misa her first glimpse at her new home "-is your floor. You can go wherever you like, and do anything, but you'll be constantly monitored." Misa didn't reply, didn't show any sign that she had heard him, or that she even knew what was happening. The room the elevator opened up on was large, beautiful, with a chandelier hanging from the ceiling--much better than anything her modeling company could provide for her. But there was no emotion on her face.

Like a clockwork doll, she stepped from the lift, dropping her bags onto the floor. The doors closed, and the strange man wearing a suit with large hair disappeared, leaving her alone.

Alone, but not unobserved.

Surveying her quarters, she sighed. The room was apparently something of a sitting room. There were two couches facing each other, a small table between them. There were reproduction paintings on the walls, which were a nice beige color. A large window, framed with red curtains, looked out onto the outside world like a large eye. She was reminded momentarily of some American movie she had watched once. _Lord of the Rings_. The window was like the giant eye at the pinnacle of the tower. The Eye of Sauron.

She stood before it, looking out into darkness, down at the city streets far below which were illuminated by bird-shit covered streetlights, imagining the whole of Japan, of the _world_, as her domain, and she was queen; spying upon her subjects using the eye, punishing those who defied her. She was all seeing. She was smart, she was pretty, she was among the gods and goddesses.

Just like Kira.

Turning quickly from the window, she went through the nearest doorway, into her bedroom, pushing such thoughts away, which would have inevitably led her to thoughts of Raito. The bed was queen sized (_Fit for a queen,_ she thought balefully), draped in white quilts and sheets, the walls the same beige as the sitting room. In one corner sat a vanity table made of dark wood. A tri-fold mirror sat upon it, and a cushioned bench before it. Another door led into a closet. She wandered back out of the room, down a hall, into the rest of her new home.

For ten minutes she explored. There was a kitchen, a dining room, another bedroom, two bathrooms, and a multitude of other rooms she wasn't concerned with. It was accommodating, yes, but she found she no longer cared. What was life when you were no longer in the company of your beloved to enjoy it?

_I sound like a trashy romance novel._ she though, disgusted. She moved back into the sitting room and took a seat on the couch. It smelled new, clean. She was probably the first person to sit on this. That was how the whole place was. A sterile environment. She was the unwelcome alien invading upon an untainted world.

Except the window. The Eye of Sauron. An all seeing eye that seemed like an old friend.

Again, she stood and strode to the window. Down there her subjects crawled like ants, scraping their way upwards in society, from unwanted dogs to worshipped icons of self-destruction. They sold their souls for fame and fortune. Begged, bribed, blackmailed, betrayed, hurt, kissed, and fucked for a higher place in the hierarchy. They'd do anything to drag themselves up from the dregs.

But not Raito.

Unwanted, her thoughts traveled to him.

Never smart, beautiful, caring, kind Raito. Raito, who was the epitome of perfection. Firm jaw, caramel eyes, red-brown hair framing such an intelligent face! Raito would never crawl, or beg, or fall before anyone else. Because he was already at the top. Misa didn't know how she knew this, but she was unfaltering in her conviction of that fact.

Except...

She leaned her forehead against the window, thinking of that face that had always seemed so serious, clasping her hands to her chest in a parody of prayer.

Except, Raito was _dead_, and the tears sliding down her face weren't happy.

-----

_Ping. _The doors slid apart. Ryuuzaki stepped out of the elevator. Dark eyes went immediately to Misa, who was looking out on the dark Tokyo streets through her window, which filled most of the wall.

"Misa-san." he said. Ryuuzaki shuffled over to the window, hands deep in his pockets. Misa didn't react beyond a slight tensing of the shoulders. She was listening.

"Misa-san, I must tell you something about Raito's death." he said. Slowly, the young woman leaned away from the window, turned, and focused her gaze on the carpet somewhere to his left, hair concealing the upper part of her face. For a moment, they remained silent.

"Hideki-san, why did Raito-kun's father kill him?" Her question floated from her slowly, quietly, so that he had to strain to hear it. "Raito-kun's father said that he would shoot Raito-kun, and then himself, but..." She trailed off, and Ryuuzaki waited patiently for her to go on, intrigued.

A small whoosh of air as she breathed in, then, "When Raito-kun's father shot Raito, he looked surprised. As if he didn't know that would happen. Hideki-san, do you know why?"

_Misa-san is smarter than she looks._ Ryuuzaki's head bobbed an affirmative, though he didn't think she saw it.

'That was my plan. I asked Yagami-san to pretend that he would Kill Raito-kun, and then himself-"

"But WHY!?" she screecheded suddenly, manicured nails curling to cut deep into the skin of her palms. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? RAITO WASN'T KIRA! I'M NOT THE SECOND KIRA! CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?!"

"Misa-san, I didn't-" He tried to explain, but she jumped at him, fists flying, and because he didn't want to hurt or anger her (more) he let her have her way. Misa beat her fists against his chest, crying and screaming that it was _his fault, his fault, all his damn fault! _And he let her. Because it was true.

He stood there and endured it, waiting. Eventually, she did tire, fists slowing, screams quieting, until she was just a sobbing mass sagging against him, forcing him to lower her slowly to the floor. Misa continued to lean against his chest, soaking his shirt with tears, when, finally, she pulled away and blew her nose on the sleeve of her shirt, which was the same shirt she had been wearing since being let out of confinement.

"Hideki-san," she sniffed pitifully. "Why did you kill Raito-kun?"

That stupid feeling of guilt, like a knife planted in his gut, twisted again. He grimaced, unseen by Misa, who was rubbing her eyes on her other sleeve.

"I'm sorry. It was not my intention for Raito-kun to die. I wanted to see if either you, or Raito-kun, would kill Yagami-san to save him." He thought for the umpteenth time of Raito's face, frozen in horror--accusing eyes staring unseeingly from a skull that was shattered in the back. "I'm sorry..." Thinking back, he could remember plenty of times when he had said those words, but never had he meant them more.

_I could have..._ he started to think, but halted that thought before it could accumulate into full blown consideration. Could have, should have, would have, but didn't, and all the wishing in the world wouldn't change a thing. Raito wasn't coming back, no matter how hard he wished.

"Hideki-san, why would you do that? I though you were Raito-kun's friend. Why would you think he was Kira?" Misa asked, looking him in the face for the first time since he had entered her sitting room. Her eyes were somber and watery, cheeks flushed, breathing coming in short gasps. If he were the type, he might have considered this almost provocative sight arousing, but he felt no sexual desire. No, for him, he only had eyes for...

"Hideki-san, why?" she asked again. Evidently, he had been silent for too long.

Finally, he answered, "I'm sorry, I can't explain." Because how can you explain to a person that the one they loved to such an abnormal extent was_ too_ perfect. The dream guy, if there ever was one. Bright smiles, a too sweet laugh, a pretty face, a well-toned body. An intelligent mind to rival that of the great L. But what, beyond such flawlessness, could prompt such suspicion against a seemingly normal, innocent boy? An aura of superiority, of knowledge that no one else had.

Really, the world famous detective was basing his entire suspicion on a_ bad feeling._

Shame and embarrassment welled up in him at that realization of such a flaw, cheeks flooding scarlet. Mentally berating himself was all he could do, though. It was too late to take back his wicked crime.

"Why can't you explain!?" Misa asked, grabbing the front of his shirt and shaking him. "I deserve to know! You killed my Raito-kun, and you won't even tell me WHY!" Nails scraped across his face as she slapped him hard, his head jerking to the side with the force of the blow. His eyes widened, and, on instinct, he threw her off of him. She slid a few feet away, crying again and enraged but making no move to attack. Clearly her energy reservoir was emptying.

Ryuuzaki remained on the floor, waiting for something to happen, glad that the investigation team was back home or in their own rooms--not watching this whole miserable drama play out.

Her quiet voice trembled as she spoke.

"Buh-bring Raito back." Her words were directed at him, but her eyes stared fixedly at the floor, allowing her hair to veil her face. "Bring Raito-kun back. Bring him back. Bring him back..." Misa's pleas trailed to a hush.

Ryuuzaki's thoughts, however, railed uproariously at him.

-----

For some reason, I_ adore_ writing Misa! She's just so fun sometimes! Anyways, in case you haven't noticed, I've taken some liberties with her floor. For one, in the anime her window is actually seperated into panes, but I didn't want that. Call it artistic liscence!


	6. Lie Buried With a Vengeance

_**Note: **_I can only update every Saturday or so from now on. Sorry! DX

-----

Uncomfortably, he shifted. The ground was digging into his ass through the pants, which were actually very thin. Apparently, Shinigami _could_ feel pain. He ignored it for the most part, though. He was almost through with the scroll, which he was reading for the twenty-seventh time. It was very boring here, and with the last rule, he had nothing to do yet. But in ten minutes it wouldn't matter. His eyes (_What color _are_ they?_) skimmed the last of the scroll. After the last sixty-six rules for use of the Death Note, then the additional three for death, there was one more annotation.

_For a human who has become a Shinigami by either being killed by a Shinigami, or using the Death Note and then dying, they will not be allowed into the human realm until 42 hours after they have become a Shinigami._

This, he had found, was an annoyance. Because that rule had meant that he was stuck in this fucking dump for forty-two hours. A dump that consisted of some of the ugliest creatures he had ever had the sever misfortune to lay eyes on--all of which had a penchant for gambling with skulls. Which wasn't so bad, really, except that was _all_ they did. _All_ they talked about. Next to Kira, of course. But they were all mediocre dimwits, equal in intelligence to the two high school students he had once pretended to be friends with in order to maintain a facade of normalcy. He could hold a conversation with the Shinigami if his sentences consisted of the phrases "yeah, I heard Kira's killing all those criminals" and "who cares."

After two rounds of that, he had gone back to the King's palace and waited, rereading the scroll and mulling over the new situation.

Now he knew how Kira killed. Problem? He could now reasonably assume that he had been Kira when he was alive. If a Death Note user gives up possession of the Death Note or loses it under other circumstances, then knowledge of the Death Note is erased. Besides that, a person's whose name is written in the Death Note will die of a heart attack, unless cause and details of the death are specified.

Gaping holes in his memories were being filled in by guesswork alone, but it all seemed to fit perfectly together. How Misa knew his name without him telling her, why she was in Aoyama that day, and why she wanted to meet him in the first place was also easy to figure out. She must have been the second Kira as L suspected. Because of that day in Aoyama, she probably recognized him with the Shinigami eyes because there would have been no life span visible to her, which would let her know that he was Kira, and what his name was.

And she probably gave up her Death Note as well.

Yet, even through all of this, he could see a ray of hope, a way to prove he _wasn't_ Kira. The last rule stated that a human who uses the Death Note, then dies, becomes a Shinigami. However, it also states that a person who was killed by a Shinigami will become one. Shinigami were so lazy, so when they wrote names down, it was probably only once every few months or so. But because of this rule, it meant that he could have been killed by a Shinigami, and that was how he became one. That was his only saving grace. He still had no memory of prior use of a Death Note, so, until then, he would assume that a Shinigami had written his death in a notebook.

He would assume that he _wasn't_ Kira.

Even though the chances of that were slim to none, is was a chance he was willing to cling to. Pride had no use for him.

Ten minutes had finally passed, and it was with relief that Raito abandoned his troubling thoughts in favor of opening a portal into the human realm, locating the position of Ryuuzaki. He tied the scroll up and stored it in another holster-type loop in his belt.

Thankfully, there had been one interesting little treat that he had indulged in in-between bouts of rule reading. With relish, he spread the wings that emerged from the middle of his back. They were long and skinny, bat-like, with red feathers hanging off near the junction of his back and wings. He flexed them, smiling, before diving down into the portal.

The forty-two hours where finally up.

-----

It deposited him, via swirling vortex that no human could see, into the air fifty meters above a western-style graveyard. This high up, he could hear nothing from the small crowd of people below, which was congregating around an open grave. He recognized it as the Yagami family plot, and realized that this must be his funeral, and that Ryuuzaki must be in attendance. For a moment, he wondered if his father had gone through with his suicide, then pushed that thought away. He couldn't bring himself to really care if his father was also dead or not.

Instead, his eyes scanned the crowd, probing for the customary white shirt and blue jeans. All of the people where dressed head to toe in the traditional signal of mourning: black. No sign of the raccoon-detective.

He turned towards the cars, and his eyes immediately searched out the black limo Ryuuzaki traveled in. He glided down, folding his wings in slightly as he touched down. He stuck his head near the window, not at all surprised when his face passed through the it like water. Inside he was met only with luxurious looking black leather seats, devoid of any wandering raccoon-detectives.

Raito pulled his face back, confused. The portal had dumped him here, so Ryuuzaki must be here. Maybe...

He turned and walked towards the crowd, passing through a gate and three tombstones before reaching the crowd. Quiet mutterings floated to him; the funeral must have been close to over. There, in the back of the crowd, stooped a properly dressed Ryuuzaki. His black suit was wrinkled because of his slouch, the soles of his feet crushing the backs of his shoes (_No socks, though. _he thought.), but he was still in the appropriate attire for a funeral.

Raito was touched. Ryuuzaki was showing him respect.

Someone passed through him, and he realized that the crowd was dispersing, each person heading towards their cars.

"Watari," Ryuuzaki murmured, unmoving. "I will return to the car in a moment." Standing next to him was Watari, who Raito hadn't noticed until then. The old man, taking Ryuuzaki's words as a dismissal, nodded and left. Then he turned to the woman standing next to him, who was sobbing into a handkerchief. "Misa-san, please follow Watari back to the car." Misa just shook her head without looking up from the tissue. A hesitant look crossed his face, before he said, "Don't move. I'll be right back." She made no sign that she had heard him, but Ryuuzaki turned anyway.

Ryuuzaki approached the grave slowly, where three other people stood in a kind of group hug. Raito followed him, watching as his mother looked up, noticed Ryuuzaki, and drew him into a hug as well. He could see Ryuuzaki tense, as if he was unused to such things as a hug, but he didn't pull away. When Sachiko released him, Ryuuzaki moved back, hiding the nervousness in his eyes.

"Don't worry, Hideki-san," she said, smiling kindly despite the tears still streaming down her face. "I don't blame you. I know my son wouldn't have wanted to die any other way. He died heroically, helping to rid the world of an evil murderer."

Perplexed, Raito looked to Ryuuzaki, waiting for his response. Why the hell would he want to die that way? Ryuuzaki just nodded stiffly. And then it hit him. They had fed his mother and sister some bull about getting killed while working on the Kira case.

He looked over to his dad. The older man was shooting Ryuuzaki an acrimonious look. So then...

Cogs turned as his mind processed a sudden thought. Souichirou's hateful look, Ryuuzaki guilty stare. That whole fiasco had been some plan on the part of Ryuuzaki. His dad must have been playing along. He and Misa had both been tested, seeing if either of them killed Souichirou to save Raito. But they didn't know that a Death Note was needed and, apparently, they hadn't known that Raito would get killed.

His father said, "let's go" then steered his family towards their car. Sayu gave one more sorrowful glance back towards the open grave, which would be filled in later by the gravediggers, then they were gone.

"Raito-kun..." Startled, Raito twisted around, worried that Ryuuzaki could see him. However, Ryuuzaki's eyes weren't focused in his direction at all. Charcoal eyes were fixed on the headstone while he said, almost inaudibly, "I'm sorry. I killed you." Something snaked its way down Ryuuzaki's cheek--Raito realized, with a start, that the normally emotionless man was crying.

For him.

An absurd urge to laugh filled him, but when he opened his mouth, all that came out was a harsh bark. So many tears where being shed over him, even though he had probably been a psycho mass murderer.

He leaned close to his headstone--_Here lies Raito Yagami, may God grant him wings well deserved._

_Oh, man, I'm staring at my own grave._ he thought, the unreality of the situation hitting him. Staring at his own harmless grave marker was unnerving. _Why'd they have to put something so corny?_

By the time he looked up from his headstone, Ryuuzaki was already halfway to his limo. The insomniac detective passed Misa, who followed him obediently when he beckoned.

Behind them both, Raito spread his wings, flying close to the car when it left the parking lot, which had become deserted by the time they got going. Burning thoughts pushed their way into Raito's mind, all of which pertained to the fact that Raito planned to hand his notebook to Ryuuzaki. For instance, what would his reactions be? When the car pulled into the underground parking garage of a tall building that looked nothing like a hotel, Raito was fighting off rising panic, convincing himself that running away with his tail between his legs would not be helpful.

-----

Finally, the moment I've been waiting for approaches! ...Next chapter!


	7. There There

_**Note:**_ This chapter is dedicated to Shin-Ora, who figured out the secret! Thank you!

-----

Bones cracked audibly as Ryuuzaki straightened up to unbutton his clothes, returning to his slouch once the job was done. He removed the rest of his clothes besides his boxers, replacing them with his long-sleeved white shirt and bagged out blue jeans.

After that, he perched in his favorite armchair and proceeded to be bored. Fingers flew across the keyboard of the laptop on the table in front of him, the sole investigator on the Kira case for the moment. He had given the rest of the team a week off, mostly in hopes that Souichirou might come back to work with a fairer attitude. Not that there was any real chance of him being forgiven (27 percent, he estimated), but it was more an excuse to be alone for a short time to...

Guilt trip himself into insanity? Grieve? Should he be exhibiting the five stages of mourning? Denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance?

Pondering, he halted his one man investigation temporarily.

What should he be feeling?

Sifting through his emotions--yes, there was sadness like a tidal wave being held back by the barricade he used on his emotions. Guilt was hard on its heels, overwhelming. But that was it. Skipping the other stages entirely, then stopping at depression. That was how he worked though, so he wasn't surprised. But still...

Frustrated, he sighed. He shouldn't be thinking of this now. He should go back to the Kira case, continue searching for more clues. The barricade he had built was supposed the keep those bothersome emotions from hindering his thought process. Again, he shut those emotions up, concentrating instead on the laptop, searching fruitlessly for any clue to Kira's identity. Better to occupy the mind. Emotions clouded judgment, a detail vital to solving any case.

_Ah, but that thought seemed... like something Raito might say._

For a moment--just a moment, mind you--Ryuuzaki seriously considered the therapeutic action of slamming his head repeatedly into the table. Somehow, though, he knew the investigation team would not appreciate it if Watari had to inform them that he had sustained brain damage while working on the Kira case.

Pushing all thoughts of Raito from his mind--including putting a padlock on that barricade--he attempted to resume his hunt.

Likely, useless search would have continued on for a good five hours if he hadn't been distracted by something brushing lightly against his arm. His muscles tensed almost painfully, and he turned his head slowly, anticipating something unwelcome. Watari was out buying more cake, and there was no one else here besides himself.

Charcoal met familiar caramel colored eyes, and Ryuuzaki couldn't suppress the scream of surprise that rose to his lips. Instinctively, he lifted one foot and kicked outwards, catching the table and sending the wheeled chair into motion, although Ryuuzaki fell from the seat. It sped through the stitched apparition's chest, as if he wasn't there, doing no damage at all, it seemed. Ryuuzaki scooted along the floor on his butt, putting distance between him and that _thing_.

"I'm going crazy." he muttered, taking in the other being's appearance. It had Raito's hair, it had Raito's face, it had Raito's _eyes_, even. Light and doeish, eyes like no other. _Oh, gods, tell me I'm dreaming._

No, this was clearly real, even if it was only his mind that was seeing this. Whether it was actually there was debatable. Ghosts don't exist, but then, what was staring him in the face?

The mockery of Raito took a slow step, like a person does to a frightened kitten to show that he or she means no harm. Ryuuzaki sat still, trying to convince himself that it wasn't real. It was a hallucination brought on by the emotional trauma of losing his first friend, he reasoned. Yet that thought alone was enough to bring his mental barricade crashing down, emotions flooding him--guilt being the most prominent. Raito's horrorstricken face flashed before his eyes, the hollow cavern that was the back of his pretty head. Accusing eyes glaring out from a face drained of blood. Grimacing, he tried to focus on something else, anything to get those condemning eyes from his mind.

"Ryuuzaki! Ryuuzaki, calm down!" the ghost-thing shouted. Ryuuzaki pushed his hands to his ears, drowning out that voice with his own distressed thoughts, projecting them loudly through his mind. It had been _Raito's _voice. Another memory came to him of Raito... saying... saying something like...

"_Yeah... I also feel that Ryuuzaki is an irreplaceable friend."_

His heart clenched at that, making his chest hurt.

_I killed him, it's my fault!_ Like a mantra, this thought thrummed around his mind, pounding into every brain cell, letting him know there was no escape from this truth. Conviction was standing before him after all. If this was Raito, he was back as a ghost to haunt him, punish him for his sin._ I killed him, it's my fault! I killed him, it's myfault! I killed him,it'smyfault! Ikilledhimit'smyfault._ Whirling faster now, he had no control over his thoughts.

Raito's ghost--spirit--whatever this ethereal being was--bent down in front of him, worry clear on its face. Rhyme and reason had taken a suicidal dive out the window long ago, because this was clearly real. Feeling those soft fingers on his hands--which still clutched at his ears--was more than enough to convince himself that either this was real, or his mind had just needed that one catalytic event to send it over the edge into madness.

But, oh gods, those eyes full of compassion that gave the impression of looking straight through him--that gaze was far too real to be just a mere phantasm.

Raito--_Even if I have gone insane, what would it hurt to pretend?_--was pulling his hands from his ears, speaking softly.

"Ryuuzaki, calm down, it's okay," he said, forcing the detective to lower his hands further. "It's okay, I'm real, you're not insane."

Automatically, he responded, "I'm sure if I was insane, I would want my hallucination to say I wasn't."

"You're not insane." Raito reiterated, sounding serious, but Ryuuzaki would see relief in his eyes.

"And you're supposed to be dead, but here you are." Ryuuzaki countered, not feeling comforted in the slightest.

Raito glanced downwards once--Ryuuzaki noticed the brief hesitation on his face--before saying, "Technically I am dead. However, after I died, I became a Shinigami." Mind snapping back to the message the second Kira had sent, he recognized the importance of this word. Could that mean...

"Is Kira really a Shinigami?" he asked urgently, unsure of this new territory he had been dragged into. Supernatural beings such as Shinigami--he had never believed in that type of thing before, but now he was being forced to reexamine his standpoint. On top of that, how do you stop a Shinigami? If that was life after death, then Shinigami couldn't be killed.

For a moment, he had to marvel at how fast his mind had shifted gears--going from hysterical lunatic to rational world-renowned detective.

"I can't be sure, but I don't think Kira is a Shinigami," Raito said, pulling Ryuuzaki form his thoughts. "The Shinigami I have met so far are lazy, and they only kill when they need to." Ryuuzaki raised an eyebrow; Raito sighed. "I really have a lot of explaining."

"Yes, you do." Ryuuzaki agreed. Then his mind decided that it had been overloaded with enough bombshells, so it shut down. Lids slipped down over darkening eyes as Ryuuzaki fainted dead away.

-----

Yes, I know, I left you guys high and dry for two weeks, and I'm sorry! Forgive me! I'm in school again, class work is crowding me and suppressing the creativity I'm convinced lurks somewhere in the crevices of my brain. Updates will be erratic. [cries


	8. Dizzy

_**Note:**_ [sniff You guys are so understanding! You know what it means to be trapped under the weight of school work!

-----

Regaining consciousness was a slower process than Ryuuzaki would have liked. Cracking open his eyes the slightest bit, he was grateful for the dimmed lighting he kept his rooms at most of the time. Then, he became aware of the fact that he was no longer on the floor. His unused bed was soft, the quilt lying on top of him warm. How long had he been out?

Sitting up, he observed his surrounding warily. No sign of the Shinigami Raito. Had that been a dream? But then, he didn't recall ever going to sleep. And his chair was tipped over on the side of the room opposite of his computer. What _happened?_

He swung his legs off the bed, standing and moving quickly towards the doorway. Outside of the room the hall stretched to his left and right, deserted. Had it been a dream? He left the room, opening doors as he went down the hall to his right, checking inside closets, bedrooms, bathrooms, and storage rooms. No sign of the Shinigami was evident. He turned down another hall, at the end of which was the kitchen.

Pushing the door open cautiously, he was unprepared to find the Shinigami rifling through his fridge, muttering stuff like, "is sweet stuff all he _has?_" and "This is growing mold."

"Ah..." At a loss for words, Ryuuzaki contented himself with staring at Raito, who had yet to notice his presence. Raito, oblivious, continued his rummaging, cursing when something got knocked over accompanied by the sound of shattering glass. Turning from the fridge with what looked like a tupperware dish of moldy strawberries held delicately--like a hair trigger bomb--between two fingers, Raito jumped at the sight of Ryuuzaki staring quizzically at him, one thumb pushed against his teeth as he thought.

First thing out of Raito's mouth: "Do you have any pocky?" Ryuuzaki, uncomprehending of why a Shinigami required food--let alone why Raito wanted something sweet when he despised such things--just stared. The Shinigami dropped the container, which popped open upon impact and scattered bits of rotting strawberries everywhere. "Do you have any pocky!?"

At the sound of Raito's decidedly frantic voice, Ryuuzaki pointed to the top of the fridge, fascinated with the events unfolding before him. Raito spun around, took a flying leap at the fridge, smacked into it, reached onto the top of it, swept several boxes of strawberry pocky off the top of it, then grabbed the boxes from the floor and ran past Ryuuzaki, back down the hall.

This took all of three seconds. Ryuuzaki stayed rooted to the spot, wondering if he was suffering from delusions or some other unpleasant mental disease which would unfavorably affect his reasoning abilities. He followed the patch of crushed pocky crumbs down the two halls, into his room. Flipping on the light, he saw that Raito was sitting on top of the filing cabinet next to his computer, munching ravenously on five of the biscuit sticks at one time.

Inching steadily towards Raito, he asked, "Are you okay?" In response, an empty pocky box was chunked at his head. Taking that as a yes, Ryuuzaki left the room again, aiming to grab a box of _Panda's March_ **(1)** cookies from the kitchen. Upon his return to the room, he discovered Raito sitting calmly on the bed, legs crossed, _not _looking like he had just gone berserk over some pocky (though the mess around the filing cabinet said otherwise).

Pulling his chair upright and over towards the bed, he sat down and looked at Raito, popping a panda cookie into his mouth. Raito returned his gaze evenly. A long, apprehensive silence stretched between them, prompting Ryuuzaki to break it. Raito beat him.

"What do you want to know?" Questions flooded his mind immediately as he thought of all the things he wanted to know; specifically, why Raito was here, with him, in the living world, despite being dead. And he wanted to know what information Raito might have on Kira. But he wanted to start small; gather information before jumping to wild conclusions. Besides that, though, he was curious about one thing...

"Why did Raito-kun 'go postal' over my pocky? I was under the impression that you detested sweet stuff." In life, Raito had never shown even the remotest liking for anything sweet--Ryuuzaki should know, he did have camera's in the younger boy's room for a week. The few times he had offered Raito something sweet, the brown-haired boy had refused. So Raito flipping out over some pocky was... bizarre, to say the least.

Raito didn't look too surprised by the question. He had probably figured out Ryuuzaki's reasoning already.

"I'm not sure how to answer that, really." For a moment, Raito looked sheepish. It seemed so natural on his face, Ryuuzaki thought. But he couldn't imagine that look on Raito's face before the imprisonment. Something had definitely happened in there. What, though?

"I think every Shinigami picks up a food obsession. I remember hearing of one Shinigami who likes peaches, and another who happens to like apples. Apparently, I got pocky. Doesn't make much sense, but..." Raito shrugged, apparently having nothing else to say on the matter.

Nodding, Ryuuzaki asked, "Does everyone become a Shinigami once they die?" It would be interesting to know what to expect in life after death. Besides the meaning of life, that was one of the most often asked questions. Where do you go when you die?

Here, Ryuuzaki noted some hesitance on Raito's face, before the Shinigami replied, "No, not everyone becomes a shinigami." One black eyebrow raised in confusion. What special circumstances did it take? As if sensing his thoughts, Raito continued, "To become a Shinigami, another Shinigami must kill you."

"So, when you died, that was the interference of a Shinigami?" Ryuuzaki asked hopefully, wanting desperately for Raito to say yes. Because the near-constant feeling of guilt might go away if he could be assured it was not really his fault. Even Raito looked taken aback at the urgency in his voice. Moments passed in silence, Raito presumably thinking of how he should respond.

Finally, "No, there's another way for a human to become a Shinigami, but..." Raito trailed off, something akin to distress appearing on his face. "I can't tell you now. Not until you catch Kira." Raito was holding his eyes, but that distressed look hadn't left him. Suspicions pulsed at the back of Ryuuzaki's brain upon hearing that evasive answer. Could Raito be hiding something? But... he would think on that later. For now, he had other questions.

"So, Shinigami can kill?" Raito broke their gaze, reaching for his pants where a black notebook was held in place by a holster-type belt slung on his hips.

"Yes, with this." Ryuuzaki set his cookies onto the floor as he was handed the black notebook--there were no significant markings on it whatsoever. Opening it revealed one black page, then several white, lined pages like any other notebook. So unassuming--this was really a killer weapon?

"How does it work?" He thumbed through the pages, waiting for something to happen, maybe. The notebook remained limp and unresponsive.

"Well, to use it all you have to do is write someone's name into the notebook, with their face in mind, and they'll die... of a heart attack." Eyes widening, Ryuuzaki leaned forward, his thumb finding it's way automatically towards his lips as his mind reeled.

"Kira needs a name and a face to kill." Ryuuzaki mused aloud, thinking about that first confrontation, through the television screen. Without a name _and_ a face, Kira hadn't been able to kill him.

Raito nodded in agreement. "Yes. Because of that, I think that Kira has gained a Death Note-" he pointed to the notebook "-and is using it to rid the world of criminals."

"How could he have gotten the notebook?" Ryuuzaki held the notebook aloft with his index finger and thumb, for emphasis.

"I forgot to tell you!" Raito said, apparently realizing something of great importance. "You are the owner of my Death Note."

"...What?"

Raito sighed and said, while running one stitched up hand through his hair, "This will take a while."

Biting off the head of one of his panda cookies, Ryuuzaki said, "We both have plenty of time."

-----

**1:** Ryuuzaki's panda cookies from episode twenty-five are actually a kind of parody of a real life Japanese snack called _Koala's March._ Look it up on wikipedia. There are many similarities, even the fillings.

I apologize for upcoming slow, short updates. I'm unsure of how to proceed with the story. Inspiration for a DN MPreg crack-fic, another DN fic, two Naruto fics, and a few other things have been beating me in the head with two-by-fours.


	9. Gloomy Sunday

_**Note: Spoilers for L's real name, people!**_

-----

Raito brushed a hand through his hair, sighing tiredly. Not that he actually needed sleep or anything, but his mind was running on low gear, and he had a bad craving for pocky. Only his pride kept him from rushing back into the kitchen and swiping as many boxes of pocky as he could hold, then devouring them all at once. That and worry.

For the most part, Ryuuzaki had been silent for the past ten minutes, the only sound being the barely audible sound of the insomniac detective munching on his _Panda's March_ cookies. And, truthfully, he _was_ a little worried. Would Ryuuzaki really just accept everything he had been told? It was a little hard to believe, he could understand that--after all, it's not every day that your dead friend returns to reveal the method of killing a psycho mass murderer uses on a daily bases when you've been working your ass off to find out for months.

_Yes, Ryuuzaki's probably still questioning his sanity, even after all that has happened so far._ he thought, becoming more bored by the second. Anxiousness was now the only thing anchoring him there. Ryuuzaki still said nothing.

Of course, he had left out some important details. In particular, the fact that a former owner of a Death Note became a Shinigami when they died. It didn't really matter if Ryuuzaki found out about that, because even if Raito did turn out to be one of the Kiras, he was already dead. But still... He didn't want any distrust coming between them and their mutual interest in catching Kira. Hostility wouldn't help the case a bit. And Raito fully intended to use his status as a Shinigami to help in the investigations. He could shadow Kira unnoticed, and Kira's Shinigami wouldn't be able to inform him of it. There were plenty of advantages now. All they had to do was find a lead!

Ryuuzaki had probably already considered all this, but Raito hoped that the detective wouldn't question him on the other circumstances in which a person became a Shinigami. Raito would tell him, but only after he found out if he had been the first Kira or not. If he was, then Misa would probably turn out to be the second Kira, and the current Kira would actually be the third, instead of the first.

_Speaking of which, where's Misa?_ He hadn't seen her since Watari had escorted her back to her room. _How is she handling my death?_ he wondered. She had always been so devoted, following him around, vying for his attention like a little puppy. As if she thought he was God incarnate. Now that he was dead, would she continue to be as distraught as she looked in the cemetery, or would she get over his death? He hoped it was the latter. He may not have liked her much, but no one deserved that.

"Raito-kun." Turning from his thoughts, he looked at Ryuuzaki questioningly. "You would be willing to help the investigation?"

"Of course." he said without hesitation. Ryuuzaki nodded.

"How do you propose we go about this, then?"

"You haven't found anything so far?" he asked.

"I'm afraid not." Ryuuzaki looked slightly put off. Raito had never seen him look so... listless. It didn't show much, but it was there--in the slight downward curve of the lips, which also looked a little pouty, flat, melancholic eyes, and the way the dark circles under his eyes seemed more pronounced. For a second, all self-constraint slipped, and he laughed.

"Don't tell me you're depressed, Ryuuzaki!" Barely noticeable, Ryuuzaki quickly wiped the pout off his face.

"Yes, I suppose I am depressed." Ryuuzaki bit into another cookie, continuing to talk with his mouth full and spewing a few crumbs in the process. "Up until your confinement, I was so sure that you and Misa-san were either both Kiras, or being controlled by Kira. However, you mentioned that with the Death Note, a person can only be controlled for twenty-three days; after that, they die. So, under that assumption, it makes more sense to say that you were both in possession of a Death Note at some point, then gave it up. If that's the case, it might be true that the current Kira's Shinigami killed you after you relinquished the notebook, but then... Misa-san should have also been killed."

"Unless Kira wants to space out deaths apart to make it less suspicious." Raito pointed out.

_I'm just incriminating myself._ So what? If it helped the investigation, that was okay. But he didn't want to break the trust they already had, and telling Ryuuzaki about the other way a person became a Shinigami would do just that. Ryuuzaki would think that he had some ulterior motives to coming back--perhaps to regain the title of Kira and resume his condemnation of criminals. And to kill him.

His eyes wandered to the space above Ryuuzaki's head, where, when he activated the sight, the name L Lawliet bobbed up and down randomly just above the life span. Such an odd name. And it didn't seem to have occurred to Ryuuzaki that Raito could see his name, even though he had told the insomniac about it.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he focused his attention back on Ryuuzaki, who was nodding. "That's true. But it doesn't help much. I just seem to have no energy. It almost seems pointless to go one investigating."

One eyebrow raised, he asked, "Pointless?" At the other's nod, he became annoyed. "So, was my coming here also pointless?" Ryuuzaki's head whipped around so fast, Raito wouldn't be surprised if he had whiplash.

"No, that's not what I-" Raito cut his explanation off with a fist to the face, which had Ryuuzaki tumbling backwards over the chair from the force of the blow. He didn't bother following Ryuuzaki, though, because that would just be unfair. After all, the detective couldn't exactly fight back. He became intangible again, grinning.

-----

Shaking hands ran along the window pane, feeling the cool, smooth glass. She had been there since the funeral, still in her black clothes minus shoes, and outside, the sun was just a thin curve above the horizon, painting the sky different shades of purple, yellow, and violent red. From here, it looked almost apocalyptic.

Just how she felt. Her world was collapsing in on itself with no beam to hold it up. Her support beam--Raito--had been decimated cruelly by fate. Now that her life had no meaning, where was the point in going on? Motivation for living... there was none, and she just wanted to join Raito, who would surely be waiting for her with his winning smile, arms open in a welcoming hug. Yes, she couldn't wait to see Raito again!

But first, what about Hideki? He had killed Raito, so she should get her revenge. It would be what Raito wanted, she was sure. To have his killer brought to justice. But she didn't know where he was, or how to get to him. Would Raito forgive her if she didn't avenge him? She didn't know. But her heart ached with loneliness and sorrow, and she wanted to rejoin Raito _now!_

Spinning, she departed from the window, making her way unhurriedly down the adjoining hall and into the kitchen. The polished wood of the floor was cold, and a shiver wracked her body. She went through the cabinets and drawers, unsurprised when her search turned up no particularly sharp knives. Leaving the kitchen, she searched her floor for scissors, but again, nothing sharper than safety scissors could be found. As if she were a little kid or something.

Frowning, she returned to her spot in front of the window. The sun had gone, but the sky remained stained, stars shining bleakly between puffy clouds which indicated rain. She regarded the glass for a moment, before dragging a heavy wooden chair close to it. Finding that her strength had suddenly multiplied in the face of a chance to rejoin Raito, she hurled the chair at the window. Expecting the class to shatter, she cringed when the chair bounced harmlessly off of it, not even cracking the glass. One of the chair's legs, however, broke off with a sound like a gunshot.

Aggravated, she stormed to her room, collapsing onto her bed in a huff. Was the whole world conspiring to keep her from her true love? She sat up, her eyes happening upon the tri-fold mirror on her vanity. A radiant smile spread across her face.

She leapt up, ran to the vanity, and with vicious glee knocked the mirror hard from it's place, sending it crashing to the ground. It cracked, but remained whole. Unbothered, she snatched her hair brush from the vanity, kneeled next to it, and began to hammer the mirror with her brush, watching as her reflection distorted, multiplied, until a thousand Misa's were scattered about the floor, grinning dementedly back at her.

Slinging the brush across the room, she picked up an especially large piece, about as big as her hand. Its jagged edge ripped the skin from her fingers when she almost dropped it, but the grin on her face never faltered. Perfect.

Holding out her arm, she pulled the black sleeve of her dress back to reveal the light peach skin of her forearm. What had that saying been?

Lowering the jagged glass to her arm, she said, "Down the road, not across the street." Starting at the top, near her wrist, it bit into her skin, making her feel cold like ice. "Raito-kun, I'm coming." Drawing it down her arm, blood bubbled up from the laceration. It hurt, but she knew that the pain was nothing compared to the anguish she had felt after Raito's death. And in the end, it would all be worth it. Just a moment of pain before eternal bliss in the arms of her Raito.

The manic grin grew at that thought. She switched the mirror to her other hand, cutting a similar slit down her other forearm. It wasn't as deep, though. Just a flesh wound. Already, the blood loss was making her dizzy, and the last time she had eaten was last night's dinner, only eaten might have been an exaggeration. Picking at it was closer to the truth.

_Who cares? I'll be with Raito-kun again!_ Laying down, she closed her eyes, lacing her hands together above her chest, gratefully welcoming the darkness that enfolded her.

-----

I kept leaving and returning to the computer repeatedly over the course of seven hours, alternating between the need to write and the need to sleep. It's now 3:07 in the morning. I've been sick lately. Next chapter, I hope for the plot to advance some more.


	10. Number 1 Crush

_**Note:**_ Cause, you know, Ryuuzaki is kin to the bird. He perches and squawks.

-----

Opening her eyes slowly, she was met with blissfully dim light. Blinking blearily, looking around, the room was lit only by a lamp on the table next to the bed she was laying on. Beds were lined against the walls to the left and right of her, clean and devoid of sheets. A stand holding a bag filled with red liquid trailed a clear, plastic tube down to her arm, which was covered in bandages. Which meant…

Tears escaped, even now when she felt too exhausted to cry. She was still alive. Still alive. She didn't want to be alive. Who had saved her? Trying to sit up was useless, she found. Her arm, legs, and chest were strapped to the bed and her muscles felt like jelly. How long had she been unconscious?

There was a squeaking sound as the door down the corridor like room opened, emitting a certain hunched man sharing the name of a famous pop idol. When he approached her, she worked a scowl onto her face, feeling more like sleeping than being pissed off. Hideki ignored the scowl and sat down in a chair next to the bed, knees pulled up to his chest, perched like some bizarre bird.

For a moment, neither said anything. Misa stoutly retained her scowl.

Misa was the first to break, though.

"Hideki, why won't you let me be with Raito-kun?" The question came out much weaker than she wanted, little more that a croak. Ryuuzaki picked a cup up from the bedside table and held it to her questioningly, a bendy straw sticking out of it absurdly. When she made no move to accept the offer, he returned it to the table.

"Why did you save me?"

More silence, then, "Misa-san, why did you attempt to kill yourself?"

"To be with Raito-kun!" she said, without hesitation, surprised to find there was more force behind these words. "Why are you always getting between me and Raito!? You killed him, you bastard, and now you won't let me join him! Can't you let us be happy? Why do you like making us miserable!?" Rage filled her wholly now, her energy returning with it.

She was savagely glad to see the guilt that flitted across the man's face. He deserved everything he got!

"Misa-san, please, see reason. Killing yourself would solve nothing."

"And why not?" Misa tried to sit up again, but the restraint's prevented it. "I would be with Raito again, and that's all that matters." For a moment, she stopped talking.

Ryuuzaki said nothing.

Finally, "Oh, I see." Ryuuzaki looked blankly at her, but she could see through it. Now she knew. "You killed Raito because you were jealous of him. You were jealous of his perfection, and you envied that he had everything: intelligence, good looks, and a perfect girlfriend! You killed him, and now you won't let me join him because you want me to fall in love with you by pretending to be a caring, sympathetic friend."

Looking slightly alarmed, Ryuuzaki said, "Misa-san, I assure you, I have no interest in-"

"Well, it won't work!" she interrupted, pulling at the restraints again. "I love only Raito-kun, and now I know your plan! So let me die. Let me kill myself. Let me join Raito-kun!" Increasing her struggles now, her tears, which had temporarily stopped when Ryuuzaki entered the room, started again.

"Misa-san." Ignoring him, continuing to buck against the straps. "Misa-san. Misa-san, stop, I need to tell you something."

Annoyance was written across his face now. Misa continued her struggles just to piss him off now. She knew the straps would hold anyways.

But after another minute, she ceased, falling back on the bed with a tired sigh. It seemed she couldn't anger him.

"Are you willing to listen now?" Saying nothing, Misa closed her eyes, pretending to sleep. Something soft brushed against her hand, and she tried to flinch away, the idea that he might be trying to hold her hand in her head. But it was only that soft contact.

More silence followed, with Misa hoping Ryuuzaki would finally leave her alone.

"Misa-chan." Her eyes shot open. That had been.

…Raito.

Again, she tried to sit up, this time with the intent of throwing her arms around her beloved.

"Raito, Raito-kun!" she cried. But then her eyes registered the being standing before her. It had Raito's face, his eyes, his hair, but everything else was completely wrong. This person's skin was mismatched patches of blue and milk white and Raito's skin. He had claws, even. But she couldn't deny that it was Raito, because no one else in the world could possibly have those kind, wide, compassionate eyes. She threw herself at the restraints even harder, with wild abandon, wanting to hug and kiss, and stay in the arms of her Raito-kun forever and ever.

The hands, with their long and sharp nails, reached up and pushed her gently back down by the shoulders.

"Misa, calm down."

"Oh, anything for you, Raito-kun." She said happily, lying back obediently.

-----

Watari had come over the computer to inform him that Misa had attempted suicide. He had come back just in time from buying more of Ryuuzaki's cavity inducing cakes to catch her slashing her wrists open—after rushing to her room, then halting the bleeding with a tourniquet made from strips of Misa's bed sheets, she had been moved to the infirmary. Raito had been worried, but stayed with Ryuuzaki until Misa finally started to awaken.

Ryuuzaki watched the display before him with something akin to disdain. There was no logical explanation for this feeling, but it was there nonetheless. While Raito fussed over Misa like a mother hen, Ryuuzaki bit into his thumb in agitation.

His theory from before—that Raito and Misa had been used, and then killed by Kira, was wrong. If Misa had died as well, then yes, the percentage would have gone up; especially if she had returned as a Shinigami. But because it had been proved wrong already, then that left only one other theory. Raito and Misa had both owned a Death Note, and Raito's former Shinigami wrote his name in it, while Misa's did not write hers in it. But it added up to nothing, because there was still a Kira out there killing people freely.

It's not that he had _wanted_ Misa to die. But now that she knew Raito was still… not alive, but _here_, then she would become bothersome, demanding visits from Raito, and "alone time." He didn't see why Raito had wanted to reveal himself to Misa. Raito's reasoning had been that it would keep Misa from killing herself, but he could have done that anyways without revealing Raito. The Shinigami had just argued that that would be inhumane, and it would only be fair to release her from her suffering without letting her kill herself. It was just the type of person Raito was, though. Kind and selfless and compassionate.

Then his mind went back to the accusations Misa had had, and he forced down a mental squaws of indignation. Why would he be jealous? How could she have formed a silly notion like that?

-----

Sorry to insult, but -laughs at everyone- you guys didn't have a clue! For every review with "Misa," "death," and "Shinigami," I laughed. I even wrote about it in my LJ after receiving the reviews. But don't feel stupid—if I had read a story like this, that would have been my first thought as well.


	11. Radiant Eclipse

_**Note:**_ Holy SHIT! Guess what!!! I found, like, the _perfect_ song for this fic! It's called "Radiant Eclipse" by _Avenged Sevenfold_, and I swear it's Kilowatt!Raito's theme song! Just look at the lyrics and you'll understand.

-----

How long had it been? A week? In that short amount of time, they had worked out a pretty good plan, too. L (for that's how Raito thought of him now that he knew L's real name) would sit in the investigation room with the rest of the task force, making a perfunctory appearance for the benefit of the other investigator's doubt. And they did doubt him, Raito was sure. After all, the head of the investigation team had just practically killed the only one to match his intelligence for years, according to L, with no explanation as to how it had happened. It definitely looked suspicious and it wasn't hard to make the connection that L might be Kira, that he was just getting rid of the opposition.

But his presence was merely to sooth them. While he _was_ still doing research—make no mistake, L was not an idle man—Raito was also searching, but in a different room. Wouldn't it look suspicious for a computer to be mysteriously working itself, keys and mouse moving without explanation? Misa would stay in her room—now that she had solemnly sworn she would not make another suicide—whether she liked it or not. Personally, Raito didn't mind. He may not have wanted her to die, but he didn't like her enough to spend time with her for hours on end.

Meanwhile, Watari had been instructed to leave the security cameras in L's room off at all times, even when Misa visited the room (and she was promised a visit a night in return for no more stupid stunts). Undoubtedly, this roused concern and suspicion in the old man. After all, a young, good looking woman taking nightly visits to L's room, alone, security cameras off was a bit iffy. And even though L rarely showed any emotion, he wasn't a machine. Men had their needs. Just thinking about the scenarios that must be going through Watari's mind made Raito laugh.

Still, being in this room, all by his lonesome, was pretty boring. When L was here at night, after the investigation team had vacated the building for home, they both continued the search even then, seeing as neither required much sleep. He'd have liked it more if he could go and directly investigate someone, but there were no leads or suspects to haunt. Sitting at this computer, sifting through file after file of empty promises of a lead, made him antsy. Restless. Perhaps he would stretch his wings. Just… one more page.

Yet, that one more page turned out to be more than just an empty promise. Sudden growth of the Yotsuba Corporation's stock, while a myriad of deaths surrounded this upsurge of profits, clearly benefiting them. If this was connected to Kira…

Maybe two cases of heart attacks could be coincidence, but not three, and certainly not the amount of deaths he was looking at now. Working now with the information that one could decide the method of death, it should have been hard to find a lead so quickly; however, he had started with heart attack victims from over the past month—not just criminals either—and worked his way out from there. It had led him to the deaths of Sekimaru Corp's Vice President of development, Roppei Tamiya; Aoi Industries' Director of Integrated Systems, Kouji Aoi; and former Yotsuba vice-president, Takeyoshi Moriya. All of which were prominent business men. With these deaths, Yotsuba's stock had steadily risen, while Sekimaru's and Aoi's plummeted.

Further research into other deaths involving people in the business world revealed seven other deaths beneficial to Yotsuba. Different means that heart attacks, and maybe from the other companies' points of view only one or two where helpful, but it was a lead. A little shake, because what if it _wasn't_ Kira, but some happy ass trying to bring up Yotsuba's stock? But it was better than nothing, and he was confident.

Smirking, Raito sent an email with all of this information to L, including graphs and charts recording how beneficial each death was, then flew from the room, wanting to see the look on his face when he read it.

-----

A piebald arm appeared in L's line of vision, growing out of the computer screen he had been studying intently for the past week. Raito followed the rest of his body through the computer, feeling positively playful now that there was a breakthrough. L, or course, worked hard to keep the surprise off of his face at the Shinigami's unexpected entrance.

"L, check your email. I think you'll like what you see." The raccoon-detective complied slowly, not putting much energy into anything, it seemed. So it doubled Raito's pleasure to see the appreciative smile which spread across L's face as he bit his thumb excitedly.

L turned to the rest of the task force, smile still fixed on his face, and Raito made his exit, flying to the kitchen. The cameras were turned off in there when no one was in it, so he took no pains in being inconspicuous about the pocky he swiped from the top of the fridge. Just as a celebration. No biggie. He wasn't addicted.

Below him, in the room where the investigation team conducted their search, he could hear loud cheering, likely a happily celebrating Matsuda. Raito rejoined them, mourning only internally the fact the he had to abandon his pocky.

-----

Aizawa seemed to be the only one with any concerns, but L could understand that. If it wasn't actually Kira behind it, then what? But the confident look on Raito's face when he had come through the computer screen had been a nice change from the solemn Shinigami that often occupied the chair next to him at night.

Raito often seemed like that, too, whether he realized it or not. L had managed to catch him staring off into the distance, looking lost, yet said nothing about it. He doubted he would have gotten a straight answer even if he had asked. Though it was a little worrying, to see that look on the normally confident boy's face. Misa—surprise, surprise, she was more had a sharper mind than she led people to believe—had said it for him once.

"_Like someone ran down his favorite kitten, then got out or their car and pointed and laughed at it."_

So, maybe it wasn't very eloquent, but it worked. Kind of. He definitely had the lost, sad look of someone whose favorite kitten was just brutally squished. But he didn't look very close to tears. Which is what Misa claimed he looked like before tackle hugging him, yelling about how he needed to open up more. Of course, he had just fazed his body through hers.

"Kira being hired is unthinkable." he said, mind not really even on the conversation.

Speak of the devil; Raito came in through the ceiling, landing smoothly on the table between L and Aizawa without stirring up so much as a speck of dust.

"Why?" Aizawa asked. Raito seemed to find some amusement in the fact that Aizawa couldn't see him.

"Because that would mean that a company was able to find Kira before I could." He watched as Raito walked around the back of the couch Aizawa was sitting on. "That's not possible. Even if it's a big business, I can't imagine Kira helping them after being found out. I expect Kira to immediately kill the person who discovered him. A better theory would be that someone in Yotsuba is Kira, or that someone there has the same power as Kira." He was trying to get the man to understand without revealing anything about the Death Note yet, but the man was too stubborn for his own good—even though L was probably just as stubborn, this conversation was getting to be an annoyance.

Aizawa said something about Kira going to Yotsuba, but L was watching Raito, who was only standing behind the man, still smiling, albeit a little evilly.

"He's really annoying, isn't he?" Raito asked, as Aizawa yelled at Matsuda about thinking Kira was cool. L nodded imperceptibly. "Yeah, I agree." Aizawa had turned back to L now, and was talking to him, but paused in mid sentence when Raito smacked him abruptly in the back of the head.

"What was that for?" The police officer turned to Matsuda, who was sitting beside him.

"W-what? I didn't do anything!" Aizawa smacked him in the back of the head, ignoring Matsuda's plea about his innocence. Again, Aizawa started to say something to L, and again, Raito smacked him in the back of the head, then smacked Matsuda.

The two officers turned to each other, yelling about how each was hitting the other. The smile on Raito's face never left, instead growing when Aizawa jumped his subordinate and they started a fist fight on the floor.

"Yagami-san should be back from the National Police Agency soon. We can decide how to attack then, but for now let's see what else we can do…" L said, facing the general direction of the fighting pair, but really speaking to Raito.

"I'm going to see if I can hack into Yotsuba's main computer." Raito spread his wings, then, flying through the ceiling. Walking back to his own computer, L noted, with amusement, that a kitchen sat directly above them, with a fridge that just happened to have a stash of Pocky on top of it.

-----

The beginning of the chapter started good, but then I lost my momentum, and I just had to trudge my was through the rest. I'm sorry.


	12. I Wish That I Was Bulletproof

_**Note:**_ I'm sorry for such a devastatingly long wait. I lost my storyboard for the fic, then started reading The Divine Comedy (It's the best!). But you don't want excuses, you want… HOT POCKET[shot

-----

The room was lit only by the glow from the screens of the computers L and Raito sat at. It was past midnight now, so they were both working in L's room. Misa had left hours ago, at L's insistence. With the new lead, he was eager to search out potential suspects. Raito had stopped typing though. L noticed, but didn't say anything about it. Raito had actually been doing that a lot over the past week. If he had anything he wanted to say, he would.

"L…?" Said detective paused in his reading and looked at Raito.

_So he did have something to say._ The Shinigami's eyes remained fixated on his own screen, looking deep in thought. It was an odd sight. A Shinigami sitting at a computer, like any other human. L had to forcibly beat off the guilt he felt. He was the reason such an odd scene came to be.

After a few seconds, L became curious. He wondered what his companion was thinking that was so important. If Raito had to put this much thought into it, it must be something.

"Yes, Raito-kun?" Raito seemed almost reluctant to drag himself from his thoughts. Turning his chair so that he faced the Shinigami fully, L listened.

"Well, I was thinking…"

"Yes?" L asked, beginning to gnaw on a thumb. Raito seemed rather reluctant on his part.

"Sitting here at these computers isn't very productive. I know that before doing anything drastic we should gather a little more information and evidence … like a possible suspect. But that could take another week because we have to sift through all of the documents Mogi brought us." L nodded slightly. He had been thinking that only a little while ago. "I think it would be easier in the long run if I just went to the Yotsuba office building and searched for anyone with a Shinigami."

Raito looked at him expectantly. L mulled it over for all of two seconds before replying.

"No."

"Why not?" The surprise on Raito's face was echoed in his voice.

"It would be too dangerous." L could have smacked himself for how flimsy that reasoning was. Raito was a Shinigami. If anything, he should probably be more worried about the humans he might investigate.

"L, you know that doesn't make sense." That _had_ been a rather illogical thought. He wondered why he had even thought that.

"The Shinigami following Kira" -L had no doubt Kira was somewhere in Yotsuba- "could be following his orders. If the Shinigami sees you, he might tell Kira that you were there." Raito didn't even look worried to hear it. He had probably already thought of that, then come up with a solution.

L was proven right when Raito said, "One rule of the Death Note states that a Shinigami can not tell the human they haunt when a Shinigami appears. They also can not tell the human whether another person owns a Death Note or not."

Ah, a flaw.

"But if that's true, how will you tell us who is in possession of a Death Note?"

"I will tear a page from the Death Note in Kira's possession if I have to. Unless I can convince the Shinigami to willingly give up a page. You will be able to see which human the Shinigami follows then."

"But I will be here." An annoyed look came across Raito's face at all of L's objections, making the insomniac feel slightly ashamed. He didn't know what had come over himself. "I'm sorry, Raito-kun." he apologized. "I am merely worried for your safety. What if the Shinigami attacked you?"

Raito seemed amused at his concern, and for a moment, L felt a little annoyed that his worry wasn't being taken seriously.

"I think I can take care of myself." Raito said, seeing his annoyance. "Only you and Misa can see and hear me, and I'm basically bulletproof." The Shinigami snorted at this. "Don't worry. I'll find evidence that Kira is somewhere in Yotsuba, and you keep the investigation team busy."

Despite all of his worries being allayed, L couldn't quell the nervous, anxious feelings bubbling in his stomach like butterflies. There was always a small percentage that something could go wrong. And that was exactly what his mind was pinpointed on.

"When will you leave?" he asked eventually, feeling like a character in one of those old war movies. The girlfriend begs her boyfriend not to go off to war, but the boyfriend is adamant. After all the tears, she asks when he will be leaving, and the boyfriend replies…

"I'll leave a little after six."

Then she cries for her boyfriend and they make sweet love and he goes off to war. Soon after, in a conversation with his teammates about their love life, he says something like, "Yeah, I have a girl back home who I'm planning to marry when I get back." Then he dies in a surprise air raid on their base, leaving his girlfriend with an unborn baby and a broken heart.

L felt a little disgusted and embarrassed with himself after that thought, and resolved to focus back on his computer screen.

It still didn't help the anxious fluttering.

_-----_

Feeling the cool breeze whip across the skin of his bare back was nice. He hadn't been out flying since he had entered the mortal realm. It had been all business, trying to find a lead. Not the most pleasant thing in the world. And nightly visits from Misa didn't really help. She hadn't questioned his presence in the mortal realm, seemingly content with the mere fact that she could be with Raito.

And L. That had been so unlike him to protest as he had. Well, it hadn't been outright protesting, however, it was there. He didn't see why the raccoon-detective was so worried. He was a Shinigami. "Bulletproof."

Catching a strong air current, he allowed himself to glide along. The sky was shot with the pinks and yellows of early morning. Being this high up, so close to the heavens, amazed him. Yes, this was definitely nice.

Unbidden, a thought came to him.

"_That's too bad. If I could have your wings instead of your eyes…"_

But then it disappeared.

Closing his eyes for a few moments, he sucked in a breath of air. He knew he didn't really need to breathe, but doing so made him feel alive. If it was silly, he certainly didn't care. No one had to know about his small indulgences. Like pocky. He definitely needed to wean himself from the stuff. But for now…

Gleefully, he pulled a pocky box from his belt, where the Death Note had previously been held. L kept that in a locked safe in his room. Tearing the packaging open, he began to munch on his treat, not caring at all that if anyone happened to look up, they'd see a pocky box flying through the air.

Super Pocky™. Yeah. He entertained himself with that thought for a few minutes. Flying through the air… Look! A bat, a starfish, no wait, it's…

A jet plane!

Raito was forced to go intangible moments before a jet plane rushed through him. There was a brief moment where the faces of several nameless people passed through his stomach, then they were gone. Sighing with relief, Raito lifted another piece of pocky to his lips. Mmm… air? His pocky was gone!

Looking around, he got a good idea of where it probably was by now. Plastered to the front of that damn plane. What a waste. That had been the last box. Lamenting his loss, he flew on.

Super Pocky™ was no more.

-----

[hands out t-shirts that say 'I survived the wait until the next chapter and all I got was this lousy filler' I drew Super Pocky™. http//i72 . photobucket . com/albums/i195/FallenPhantem/SuperPocky . jpg Can you tell the source of my inspiration?


	13. Wandering Star

_**Note:**_ Higuchi bashing. Maybe a little –cough-a lot-cough- of OOC-ness. For those who were unable to view Super Pocky ™: i72, photobucket, com/albums/i195/Fallen Phantem/SuperPocky, jpg Replace all commas with periods, delete the spaces, and add an underscore between Fallen and Phantem.

-----

The incandescent glow of the computer screen washed over her human eerily, throwing him in stark relief as he worked silently, deepening the shadows of the room. She wasn't paying much attention to what he was doing, though. He was creepy anyways. Always going on and on about becoming CEO of Yotsuba or something. She really didn't give a damn. She considered it a good thing that the man didn't speak with her too often. He always looked like he was thinking about something really perverted.

_Couldn't I have at least gotten stuck with someone with a video game system? _Except, it really wasn't her place to complain. She had chosen him willingly, if only for the fact that because he was a semi-important man. Easier to track down Kira that way. Sometimes, though, she really wished she hadn't given her notebook to Misa. Much as she cared for the girl, the model had a one-track mind—a track that lead straight to Raito. Actually, she took that back. She really wished Misa hadn't tracked down Raito. Manipulative bastard—using her affection for Misa as a weapon.

Not for the first time, she wondered when Raito was actually going to find Higuchi. She had only been here for a little over a month (Or was it two? She couldn't remember.), but already she was annoyed with the stupid man. Humans were so greedy, and this one was doing nothing to test her notion. He was bat-like in his affinity for darkness. He'd ruin his eyes with the way he hunched over his computer in his darkened office, even in the middle of the day. Or when he was home, sitting before the wall-sized screen. That lecherous look on his face.

Frankly, she wouldn't be surprised if the man was actually looking at kiddy porn half the time.

Boredom was setting in. Worse things could happen, though. Like being dragged to all of Higuchi's little meetings with his secret Covent bent on overtaking Yotsuba with complicated plans. Plans almost worthy of Raito. _Almost._ Higuchi was overconfident, positive that his moves would go unchecked. Quick to anger, and prone to rash decisions once it was accomplished. At this moment, could L and Raito be on his trail? A distorted grin stretched her face at the thought, melting immediately to a grimace at her human's voice.

"Rem." Damn. He wanted to talk. Probably more ramblings about his future position as CEO once he had duped his colleagues. Normally he ignored her, which suited her just fine. She couldn't stand to listen to him. Redundant rants were all she received from him. Under the pretence that she didn't hear him, she whistled loudly. Maybe if she ignored him, he'd go away? She could hope…

"Rem." Tactical Avoidance was what this situation called for.

"_Rem._" he said, more forceful, irritation bubbling underneath, bringing her deep satisfaction. It was always fun to rile the bastard up, knowing he couldn't do anything about it and watching the realizations in his eyes once he tried. She supposed, in her own way, she was similar to Raito in her sadistic tendencies.

"REM." A scowl deepened the lines on his face when she looked at him from the corner of her eye.

_Tactical Avoidance time._

Whistling nonchalantly, she floated through the wall, out of his gloomy office.

She smirked, sinking down through the floors, finding a quiet one housing small cubicles for the underlings of the company—he would have no reason to visit this floor any time of the day. Higuchi might see her on the security cameras, but he wouldn't come after her. And if he did, well… the rumors surrounding his supposedly impaired sanity would only escalate. Next time she was forced to be in the same room with him, alone, though, she'd get an unpleasant earful.

Despite the reprieve her escape had given her, it did nothing to alleviate her boredom. Being a Shinigami didn't exactly lead to a glamorous social life, after all. And Higuchi wasn't too keen on alerting others of her near constant presence over his shoulder. No Shinigami ever came around (but she wasn't friends with any Shinigami, so no invitations for a Shinigami get-together were likely to be forthcoming). Visiting Ryuuku was a possibility, but they really had nothing in common beyond their mutual acquaintances with Raito and Misa. Besides, he was just plain annoying.

Distracted by going through a despairingly short list of what she could do to pass time, she was caught utterly by surprise when someone tapped her on the shoulder and said in a voice that was familiar but far from the scratch of Higuchi's, "Excuse me, but maybe you could provide some help?"

Jerking around, coming up with the sight of Raito, her jaw dropped. It was Raito, but at the same time… not. The hair, eyes, voice, face, yeah, but everything else… Crisscrossed stitching held together mismatched skin in blue, peach, and milk white all over his body. Frostbite-blue nails forming claws hung at his sides. Everything about him screamed wrong. Put simply, Raito Yagami looked the perfect Shinigami. Which was exactly what was wrong.

"You _died?_" Her startled words gave him pause.

_When did he-?_

"Yes." he said at length. Confusion flitted across his features for but a moment. "Do I know you?"

For a second she was flummoxed. What was wrong with him? Did he not remember? He was still looking at her patiently, waiting for an answer, yet there was no recognition in his eyes. He appeared for all the world as if he was asking a passing stranger on the street for the time. Opening her mouth, closing it again; what should she say?

"I'm Rem." she blurted suddenly. If she expected for him to say 'Oh, Rem, yeah, sorry, I totally forgot about you!' she was sorely disappointed. Polite curiosity was all she could detect on his face. "Do you really not remember, Yagami Raito?"

"Remember…?" Confusion flitted across his features, but under that something dark was settling in his eyes. "I don't recall having ever met you." Suspicion laced his voice. For what, she could only guess.

"Clearly not," she muttered. "You remember your life? Everything?"

Eyes narrowed cagily, he nodded. However, whether he realized it or not, she suspected he didn't actually remember everything. Whitewashed memories, events that didn't quite connect, actions that seemed to serve no purpose. Like a puzzle piece snapping in place, she understood with sudden clarity.

He gave up the Death Note and lost his memories. Death doesn't give, it takes. It didn't unlock his memories, so he didn't remember anything about his ownership of the Death Note in life. A glimmer of hope.

"How do you know me?" he demanded. And here was the moment of truth. Tell him? Keep it a secret? If he touched her Death Note and regained his memories, Misa would be in more trouble. Raito would definitely try something to get rid of Rem; he would return to his manipulative self. Using Misa, then tossing her to the side like a rag doll when it became clear he could find no other use for her.

But if she kept this from him, she could prevent that.

"Why are you here?" she returned, stalling, trying to come up with a suitable decision. Before, he had promised that he would keep Misa safe. If she kept it from him, and he regained his memories by accidentally touching her notebook, it would be bad for both Rem and Misa.

If possible, his eyes narrowed further, that darkness behind his eyes fluttering. Something was off. Different.

"I'm looking for Kira." he finally said. Rem couldn't say she was surprised by his answer. "How do you know me?" he asked again, obviously not liking her dodging his question. Mild panic was trying to grip her now. Lie after lie flashed through his mind, but none were plausible enough, none perfectly bulletproof. Anything less than that would be shot down by his resourceful mind, whether he remembered owning the Death Note or not. And she still hadn't decided if it would be wiser to tell him or not.

Keeping this a secret… he couldn't exactly force the truth from her. But if she was thinking for the sake of Misa…

"You're working with L." She didn't need his confirmation to know it was true. "Then you've found him." she said, still trying the stalling tactic. "I am the Shinigami haunting Kira."

He wasn't to be deterred by this, though.

"You knew me in life. Did I own a Death Note when I was alive? Is that it? How do you know me?

"How do you _know_ me!?" He fairly shouted the words, a hysteric quality lining them. Dark emotion in his eyes—finally, she identified it. Recognized it for what it was. Uncertainty, desperation, _fear_. Fear? Her visible eye widened, incredulous of what was painfully obvious in his eyes. Fear? Coming from _Raito_ of all people? Cool, confident, intelligent, despicable _Raito_? In her absence, something had changed drastically. From his relinquished memories to his death, from working with L to _something_. What could he possibly be afraid of?

This was not the same Raito from before. This one didn't have the memories. This one didn't have the delusions of a perfect world crowding his sight. He was different in a fundamental way that made all the difference.

"Raito—" Was she doing this, really? She could see all the points where this one decision could throw all her precautions down the drain. This could kill Misa, and who would be to blame but _herself?_ However, she took the plunge anyways; hope winning out against logic. (When had she become so impractical?) "In life, you owned a Death Note." She watched his reaction carefully. His eyes widened, and he gasped; but somehow, there was no surprise there. Like what she said had just been a dreaded confirmation of what he had already suspected. For all she knew, it had. "You were the first Kira this world saw."

Restraint gone, logic already down the drain, the explanation poured out easily from her mouth, like water down a drain similar to the one her logic was traversing. Even though she really didn't know near enough of his side of the story—of how he gained the Death Note, how he eluded L for so long before meeting Misa, the people he had undoubtedly sacrificed—she knew enough to paint a pretty picture for him. The logic behind his ideals when he was Kira seemed to perturb the Raito before him.

With her scant knowledge, it was still a long story, taking up more time than she had anticipated. He asked many questions, not all of which she had an answer for. She even had to backtrack a bit to explain her prior connection with Misa. Visibly, the pieces began to fit together for Raito. Missing moments connecting with actions that previously held no importance. She could see it all on his face; the darkness remained in his eyes. All through it, the fear had lurked behind his eyes. And she thought she could fathom now why he seemed so afraid.

The Raito of the here and now, without the memories and feelings associated with the Death Note—feeling that it was righteous, that he was justice and could be the only one to save this rotting world—understood Kira's logic… and rejected it, recognizing the faults hidden by the glamour of it. Raito didn't want to be Kira. He didn't want the knowledge that he had ever thought killing would be the answer to the world's problems. He didn't want to know that he had once felt such hate and malice for a person he now seemed to think of as a friend. He didn't want to acknowledge that he had killed, manipulated, ruined lives to achieve such a mythological thing like a utopia for him to rule.

But, above all, he was afraid that if he regained those memories, he could possibly continue to do all of that. Seeing the bad, recognizing it for the horrible thing that it was, and then forging onwards for such a metaphysical goal. After all, that's what the Raito from before—the one who had told her to find 'a person of some status who will use the notebook for his own gain'— had been counting on. That no matter what he went through in the absence of his memories, he would be ready to reclaim the mantle of Kira.

Evidently, Kira—as she was now thinking the Raito of before as—had not counted on himself dying. Unable to contain her shock, she listened as Raito spun his own tale. His death and the events leading to the intended crossing of their paths.

-----

"What do you mean he's not here!?" L himself thought it was rather obvious what he meant. Raito wasn't here, after all. He had said as much. "Where did he go?" she all but screeched at him.

"We found a lead on the Kira case, and he's following it through." he responded vaguely.

Maybe he understood her irritating worry, though. She _loved_ him, after all. Soon after Raito had left the headquarters, he had called the investigation team's members and told them all that they could have the day off. At first, they had all been rather disbelieving that he was giving them time off after they had gained such a big lead, but after some convincing, they had hung up gratefully, in high spirits. Only L's spirits seemed to remain neutral throughout the exchanges.

Now, it was well into the afternoon (he could tell because Misa had demanded he turn on the lights when she came down to the dim room, and had pulled open the curtains to the picture window when he told her he didn't want them on). Misa had called his room only a little while ago, begging to come down early since the investigation team wasn't there. She hadn't used Raito's name, merely saying that she wanted to see L—for Watari's benefit in case he happened to be observing her over the security cameras—but it was implied that she wanted something of a date from the Shinigami. L had been forced to agree to let her come down to his room.

He imagined that somewhere on the security level, his elderly friend was having a conniption over this turn of events. Two (reasonably) healthy young adults, in a room with a bed, alone, no one watching. Security cameras where not allowed on L's floor of the building, even for protection, and Watari knew as much. The implications were clear. Unfortunately, Watari would just have to worry on, as he really couldn't let anyone else find out about the existence of Shinigami just yet. Only when they captured this Kira would he reveal everything to the others. Misa herself had only gotten a very brief, censored version of the truth, even though she was practically in love with a Shinigami.

Boy, why did that thought turn his stomach?

Disgruntled, he turned his attention outward, focusing on his surroundings again. Misa was staring at him expectantly, hands on her hips, and he realized he had completely tuned out whatever she had been ranting on about.

Dipping his head in apology, he said, "I'm sorry, Misa-san. What did you say?"

The model dropped onto the other side of the couch huffily, crossing his arms.

"Never mind." she said sulkily, peeved that she had been ignored. A moment later, however, the annoyed look washed away, replaced with a complacent thoughtfulness. "I'm worried."

L nodded in startled realization that he was too. Raito had left early in the morning, but the sun was nearing the horizon in the west, and he had yet to return. He was worried—irrationally, he knew—that Raito was somehow hurt. Or in trouble. Could Shinigami hurt each other? If he had found Kira and Kira's Shinigami, did the Shinigami attack? Was there a way for a Shinigami to be destroyed? Redundancy was setting in, though. The motions of this thoughts wave were familiar, as he had asked himself these things before Raito left. He didn't know all the rules for the Death Note and Shinigami. There was no way for him to be sure Raito was alright until he returned.

"But I know he'll come back!" Misa said suddenly, perking up exponentially. "Raito's too strong to let anything get in his way!" She looked over at him, impossibly wide blue eyes imploring. "Isn't that right, Ryuuzaki? You believe in him just as much as I do!"

Oh, she had no idea. He believed he could do it alright, but…

"That doesn't stop me from worrying." Had he ever been so truthful in his life? It seemed these past few weeks had pulled something from him he had been sure was long gone: the capacity to feel emotion, like never before. He couldn't remember the last time he had spoken so freely to someone, had admitted to worrying over anyone's safety. All because of some _kid _with doe-eyes and a kind smile.

"It's why he's so special." Misa said softly, sliding over on the couch so that she now sat beside him, knees drawn up to her chest and one arm curled around them. L gave her a questioning look, but her gaze was elsewhere, focused on the wall but far away at the same time. "He somehow makes others want to love him, admire him, without any effort on his part. And even when he seems strong, he somehow seems sad."

L stared at her stupidly, the truth of the words giving him pause. When had she become so insightful? This blonde girl who never seemed to display the capacity to see the obvious? Yet, the world faded away, leaving him with the echo of her words in his mind. Was that it? Was that why he felt so drawn to him? Because Raito's mere presence generated in him the compulsion to worry for the younger boy?

Or was it something else…? _More? _For the first time, he was allowing himself to contemplate holding deeper feelings than something platonic for someone.

Just like that, the shroud that had been hiding the obvious from him blew away, and he saw the truth, what should have been clear to him all along. But it had been so long since he had ever felt something like this, and never had it been of this magnitude. Oh, yeah, this was definitely more that just a need to worry for the other boy, or a compulsion to keep him safe.

For once, he felt a common bond with the blonde ditz beside him. He understood exactly what she felt; why she clung to Raito so closely. As if sensing his revelation, Misa leaned her head against his shoulder. Uncomfortable with the close proximity, but unwilling to antagonize the girl just because he was unused to human contact, he simply sighed internally and let her be.

He had to wonder, though, how a kid had brought about this change in him with absolutely no effort, without even realizing what he was doing to L. And how it took a blonde ditz to make a proven genius see it was beyond him.

-----

I hope this chapter makes up for the previous crap-tastic chapters I've been shelling out. I've been caught up with an absolutely awesome Static Shock slash fic I want to spread the word about. It actually inspired me to write this chapter! "Through a Glass, Darkly" by Valkyrie-Alex! Please, read it, review it, and try to get the author to update it!


	14. Bliss

_**Note:**_ Aizawa was the only member of the NPA who didn't quit his job for the sake of the Kira case in volume five, chapter forty.

-----

With his head down he gazed with tears in his eyes at the picture frame he held in his hands. Hands—body—shaking, he set it back down on the bedside table, making a _thunking_ noise. Beside him, Sachiko shifted in her sleep, mumbling something unintelligible. He froze, willing her back into a calm sleep, not wanting her to wake and see him like this again. It would be the seventh time. When her murmuring quieted, he returned his attention back to the picture. His family smiled happily back at him, though if the slight tension in Raito's face was anything to go by, he was a little uncomfortable. Sachiko, Sayu, and Raito were huddled together, Sayu between them with her arms around both of their necks, forcing the taller members of their family to lean down.

Behind them a fountain spouted water into a pool filled with coins from those children and adults who remained steadfast in their belief that their wish might someday be granted. Anything from getting a toy, to finding their soul mate. Incidentally, it was the same fountain where he had met the love of his life moments after tossing a coin in and making a wish. He glanced behind him at said love of his life, feeling warmth flare in his heart at the memory of that day.

The next time they met at the fountain, he had asked Sachiko to marry him, and she accepted. The next two times they met at the fountain, Sachiko informed him that she was pregnant. First with Raito, a brilliant boy graced with supernatural beauty. Second with Sayu, a pretty girl who was bubbly and happy, loving to see a smile on everyone's face. Perhaps she was a gift to make up for the sometimes distant son, who used to smile so much, but then seemed to smile only when appropriate.

It was a fairytale story, to be sure, with an ending worthy of a fairytale. Except…

Lately he was forced to battle the powerful urge to go to that same fountain and toss in a coin. Wish for the life of his son back. It had granted his wish before. Why not now? The urge was a back again, now, stronger than ever in the lonely darkness of night, filled with so many prospects and smashed hopes. He knew he would be paying his fountain a visit tomorrow. Logical or not, even if he would only hurt himself more when the wish was not granted, he toss a coin in, wishing with his eyes closed that he could see his son again, if only for a moment.

Fixing his eyes on the picture again, he huffed down a sob. He nearly laughed at how childish he was acting. A grown man, crying because his fairytale story was run through with a force known as reality.

That knowledge did nothing to relieve the grief, though. Clawing at his heart and mind with razor-sharp nails, determined to keep him in its clutches forever. All he could do was writhe and suffer. Bleed silently on the inside. At work, he could hide it. He was a professional, after all. In his line of work, it was best to keep one's emotions in check, especially on a particularly gruesome crime scene. He was used to the motions of shutting down his face on the outside, even if on the inside he was ruptured and torn and hurting and vulnerable.

But around Ryuuzaki—L…

Sometimes, around that man, his nails dug grooves in his palm in an attempt to stay his hands. He was actually no longer a police man, but even without his gun, he could sink his hands into the flesh of L's neck and hold and squeeze, no matter how well of a fighter L might turn out to be. Even if the others tried to pry him away from the raccoon freak.

Or would his hands meet cold steel? Sometimes, he felt he was working for a machine under the guise of a man. Cold, _heartless_ in his stoical indifference to the emotions around him, and those that might directly affect him. And if his hands _did_ meet steel? What then?

He knew it wouldn't happen. L, however heartless, was still a man. As infallible as the next. But he had to wonder… Did he dare test that infallibility? If it came to it, if he ever had the chance, could he, _would_ he, get revenge on the man who had so easily and without remorse taken down Souichirou's own flesh and blood? Killed his son, awakening in him the feeling that he was being torn asunder? Could he, _would_ he, take that chance and all the consequences that would undoubtedly arise from his actions? What of his wife? His remaining child? What would become of them, if he so chose that course? …The Kira investigation?

His morals, the core of his being and the same thing that had driven him into the profession of law enforcement, screamed against the very _notion_ of such an action. Going against everything his own father had ever taught him, against what he believed so fiercely in… But this was for the sake of his son who had died a meaningless death. With his gut writhing against such an easily imagined act as killing L, he thought.

Could he…?

_Would he_…?

He thought that, maybe…

The answer was _yes._

_-----_

Misa was back on the other side of the couch in a flash, giving some excuse about Ryuuzaki—which was a better name that Ryuuga Hideki in her opinion, as it seemed to embody his personality—getting a little too touchy for her like. Even though _she_ had been the one leaning against him. Maybe getting a little too close for her own good, then?

No, she wasn't falling for him. (She knew it, because the only one for her was Yagami Raito, who had her completely—heart, body, and soul if he so desired. He didn't even have to ask; she'd give it for him whether he wanted her to or not.) But despite her former hatred for him when she still though Raito was dead, they were forming an awkward, tentative bond. She wasn't sure why, but they seemed to have developed something deep in common without her noticing until it had happened. Something that went beyond mere words. Never had she felt anything like it. It wasn't love—the fluttery feeling she got in the pit of her stomach at the mere thought of Raito—but a suppressed sort of friendship, she supposed.

"Do you feel it too?" Misa asked slowly, curling up on the couch and leaning against the arm. She blushed in embarrassment at how silly she must have sounded. However, she didn't apologize. She truly wanted to know.

He was quiet, and she started to think that maybe he hadn't heard her question, or was ignoring her, when, "I feel it, yes." Ryuuzaki wasn't looking at her, but focused on the slice of cake on the plate before him. She wondered if he ever got embarrassed. He didn't seem like the type. "Does this also count as friendship?"

Looking at him oddly, she said, "Of course! Ryuuzaki, don't you have any friends?" Hesitation showed on his face, unwilling to answer such a personal question. Relenting, he shook his head.

"Raito was my first friend." Surprised, he leaned across the space between them.

"Are you serious!?" she asked, wide-eyed. "You need to get out more, Ryuuzaki. It's not healthy to be alone all the time."

"I guess so. But I'm not really talented in social interaction." Finally he looked at her, allowing her to search his face. He looked slightly apathetic.

"Well, now I'm your friend! You don't have to worry about social interaction. Raito and I will be your best friends ever! Since you already know us, it shouldn't be a problem."

"I gained another friend." She smiled brightly, holding back a squeal. Jumping up and pulling him from the couch with her, she grabbed both of his hands and spun around with him in a circle, laughing. Too bad Raito wasn't here. He might have gotten annoyed, but she would have loved to have pulled him into the circle as well! Speaking of, L just kind of flopped along. She didn't mind his rather apathetic behavior.

"Yay! Raito's friends are Misa's friends. We'll definitely get along!" Allowing his hands to drop from hers, she continued spinning while he watched. "And Misa always takes good care of her friends!" she cheered, having slipped into third-person in her happiness.

-----

Panic was setting in, he could tell, but it was surprisingly subdued. The Shinigami before him, Rem, had just confirmed possibly his worst fears. He didn't understand why it was affecting him like this. He was dead already—it shouldn't matter whether he had been a psychotic mass-murderer in his former life…

Somehow he still rivaled against that thought. He had always been a model citizen—the perfect boy, with a perfect countenance, picture perfect in every way—son of a prominent police officer, who had raised him to have good morals and an ambition of heading the National Police Agency one day. Working in the name of Justice to make the world a better place.

Instead… Instead he had soiled the very definition of Justice by using it as an excuse to make a utopia he could rule over. Under the guise of being righteous he had killed _millions_ for some selfish goal of becoming a god. In the eyes of the people he had wanted to be something people would talk about for centuries to come. Idolization was his goal. He could tell without actually having the memories.

So what if he was scared, then!? He had the right to be. The knowledge that he had been capable of taking a person's life, let alone so many, made him want to vomit. If a Shinigami's stomach could produce it, he probably would have out of sheer disgust. He probably would have cried as well. But Shinigami had not bodily fluids. The body was basically just a shell with a "soul" residing in it.

Rem stood quietly, giving him plenty of time to contemplate. For that he was grateful. He could handle this, but it would be like a large looming scar in his mind. Ugly. Made of the blood he had shed to create a sublime kingdom under his rule.

If he dared to touch Rem's Death Note, his memories would return. What then? Would he take up the mantle of Kira regardless of his time without the Death Note? Having L as a true friend, not just a detective holding him under suspicion… Misa forcing L and Raito to play games with her… It had been fun, believe it or not. Regardless of his complaints of Misa being too pushy with her feelings, or L being too apathetic, he did enjoy their company.

"So I'm really Kira, then?" he asked no one. Rem said nothing, just looked out at the people working steadily in their cubicles. What now then? Risk the chance that he would return to the Kira mindset to take a slip of paper from Rem's Death Note to L? Could he just tell L who Kira was? He didn't know the punishment Shinigami went through when they broke a rule. Would it result in his complete destruction?

"Rem." She turned to him now. "Can I take a piece of paper from your Death Note?" He knew she wouldn't agree, but he still felt he had to ask.

"And what if you return to being Kira?" He had no answer. Rem could see it. Regardless of the fact that there was a small percentage that he _wouldn't _become Kira again—that his will as it was not would overcome any former will he might regain—it was one she was not willing to bet on. Truth be told, neither was he. "Then no. I can not allow you to take a piece from my notebook, even to catch Kira."

Nodding in understanding—and maybe in relief that he had been refused--he turned towards the wall, fully prepared to take off.

"Higuchi is Kira." She reminded him coldly. He took off without replying.

-----

No, wait! I love you! -shot repeatedly in the head- Ow. Okay… I deserved that. X.X I hope you all had a very merry/happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Yule/Kwanza/Whatever-the-hell-you-celebrate! And a happy New Year as well!


End file.
